Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It Burns

Well, I've officially joined the ranks of people who must decide, immediate-like, what if anything to grab when the kitchen is thisclose to exploding, presumably taking most of the house with it. Shoes? Nope. Purse? Nuh-uh. It was the shirts on our backs and the phone I happened to be carrying. I wanted to be hella heroic and risk life and limb to grab a photo album of Keagan for Susannah, who was at work, oblivious to our surprise enchilada plan, as well as the complete and total destruction of her kitchen. But then I thought it might hurt to explode so I decided firmly that it was the thought that counted.

In any event, due to the remarkably gracious nature of our victim (though technically the 14 firemen determined the fire wasn't our fault), I can say without offending her that this kitchen needed to be blown up. I knew the previous residents, and fuck me if it wasn't virtually Moxie proof. I can't even go into detail without evoking a ferocious OCD reaction, but since it happened, I'm glad she's getting some new, clean digs, from the ground up, and a new stove! Because ones that have blown up tend to be fairly unreliable afterward.

The hard part was that Debe and I had to be here today to tell adjusters what happened 15 times, but we weren't allowed to clean. Soooooo, my mind and all of Monmouth are covered in smoke and extinguisher shit, which is highly noxious yet we all fell asleep here anyway. Always living dangerously.

So your first assignment is to look into whether or not there is anything in your house you could set on fire and get replaced by something 100 times better. If not, be thankful there isn't a 7" thick film on top of everything, gnashing its teeth, smirking that you are defenseless against it. OMG. If you are pro-flooding therapy, you would love this. This is my version of a jar of spiders being poured on me. Also, a jar of spiders being poured on me is like a jar of spiders being poured on me. A lot of things are.

So in lieu of your own fire:

-Wash all your clothes, fold, hang, whisper sweet nothings to them. Whatever it takes.

-Wipe down all fixtures--lights, outlets, knobs, etc.

-Clean your living room. Clutter, dishes (gasp!), window, fold blankets, sort shoes, what-have-you.

-Bleach your sinks and fill your tub with bleach and hot water. That's a whole lotta shine happening without much effort on your part--WIN!

-Clear, sweep, and vacuum all floors.

There. Five highly doable, highly satisfying tasks YOU REALLY CAN DO TODAY!!!

Joy and outdoormama, I triple-dog-dare you!!! So there!


  1. Tub filled with bleach water? BRILLIANT!

  2. Please tell me that you did NOT take a picture of the kitchen burning up? This is a stock photo, right?