Thursday, June 4, 2009

Dishes the Latest Post Ever

(Insert compelling, hilarious, brilliant excuse here.)

No seriously, I took a heavy sleep aid last night, which I would liken to being euthanized. I slept from about 6am-10am, when I started getting phone calls to make sure I was alive (it was iffy for a while last night). Starting my day at 10am is like starting it 10pm, I'm a mess. While I was on the phone with my friend, I:

-Made a bed.

-Stripped a bed.



-Started laundry.

-Made protein shake, meds.

-Cleaned BRITA pitcher.

-Wiped all kitchen walls/ceilings, window frames, corners, cupboard faces.

-Wiped that microscopic metal ledge that seals the back splash onto the wall.

-Wiped inside and outside the microwave.

-Realized what a spontaneous shit hole the kitchen has become in general, after spotting two crumbs an inch apart. Looked for kerosene.

-Emptied all six waste baskets, threw them in main kitchen trash, took it out, watched Todd water his new watch-out-Oregon-Garden garden. Damn.

-Relined all waste baskets.

-Washed some windows.

-Bent my drugged ass over the beck of the couch to retrieve a toothpick, lest I die of worry.

-Sorted out which dishes belong to which friend who brought me food after my surgery. God I hope I got it right, there are a lot of dishes.

-Swept kitchen.

After I go do my interpretive dance of a sloth on my couch until this awful feeling wears off, I need to:

-Scrub out main kitchen garbage (but how does it get dirty?).

-Scrub kitchen floor on hands and knees.

-Finish three loads of laundry, fold, put away.

-Vacuum out my car.

-Clean computer keyboard with a toothpick.

-Change sheets in back bedroom.

-Put my mole hill of clothes away before it becomes a mountain.

-Maybe scrub some more walls during my next phone call, as it's much less tedious that way.

-Get medieval on my kids' asses about chores today. Mind you, they do a great job, really, but today has to be hard core, because I can feel the lice and hepatitis seeping in as a result of having slept until 10am. Like, Quinn does an *amazing* job vacuuming, but we may pull the couches out today, unless I'm lying on one.

Since the day is half over I'm thinking that's all I can squeeze in, going one mm an hour. S-o-o-o s-l-o-o-o-w!


-Basics. Hard core. I don't want any laundry in sight when you go to bed, and that doesn't mean stuff it in the closet.

-I'm guessing I'm going to lose a few of you with this, but I would like you to clean your car. Take a garbage bag and a smaller bag, throwing away all garbage, and putting all house-bound stuff into the small bag. After all the shit, ahem, debris, ahem, stuff, is removed, if you can, use a vacuum or shop vac or Dustbuster to vacuum all upholstery. No! You can do it 5-10 minutes, it's okay! If you turn your car stereo on it's better. Vacuum seats, floors, mats, UNDER mats, lift up seats, vacuum out car seats, UNDER car seats, the back of your van or Jeep if that's what you have, and do an extra good job on the driver seat, including dust off the console, suck those cup holders clean, the vents, under your seat, the dash, everything. Seriously, it ook me as long to type that as it will to do it, but I'm serious, you must. If you can't vacuum it, use wipes to remove the pebbles and pine needles and all that nightmare-ish crap from sight. It's longer this way obviously but you will thank me. (I like to be thanked in cupcakes.) Finally, take a wipe to the dash, console, hard plastic areas. And, if you're out, hitting that $3.00 car wash on Market and Lancaster will really give you a boost.

-Yes there's more.

-Remember I talked about psychic reward tasks? Things a guest would never see but will afford you mental peace? (Karinda, people like us need this.) Such as cleaning the bottom of your closet, coming over to my house and cleaning my junk drawer, cleaning the dust off the cords underneath your computer desk...I want you to do one major or two minor psychic tasks. (Mesina your psychic task can be calling me. xoxo)

-Lastly, I would like you each to devise, or report, your system for managing kids' artwork. Is it ALL on the refrigerator? Do you throw yours away? Is it everywhere? Hung on the wall? Scattered about feeling half cherished, half resented? I thought so. This is a toughy, and these things breed faster than dishes often times. I love to see my kids drawing, and I encourage it by buying art supplies, but when they hand me things, I get overwhelmed. So, I use a flat portfolio that lives in my closet. I hang exceptional pieces for a month or so, and then take it all down and slip it into my portfolio, which feels clean, and suits my sentimental obsession with savoring every shred of anything my kids ever touched or wore. (I'm sick like that. I have all their newborn bracelets, first hats in the hospital, the pregnancy test sticks, locks of teeth, that's disgusting, but you get it.) So here is what my portfolio looks like, I think my mom got it at Michael's (I refuse to got here), for $10.00 or less. SOOO worth it.

Come on Moxlings, today isn't so hot, crank up some Dixie Chicks (if you disparage the Chicks I will block you from my blog), or whatever gets you in the mood, and really bust it out today, to balance me lying on the couch. Also, forgive any typos, you have no idea the fog I am in.

My portfolio-lio (That's funny to me.):


  1. Well so far I've cleaned out and wiped down the inside of my fridge, payed bills, rebooted laundry, and managed a 10 year old's meltdown. Now I'm off to play video games with said 10 year old lest we have another meltdown. :-)

  2. Well thursday is nearly over for me...and I just want a coffee and some down time. But alas I am working...pfft.
    So today I managed to:

    Sort my garage!! YES!! you have NO idea what state it was in. Boxes, boxes BOOOXXES were everywhere, stacked miles high and inside those boxes were baby boxes waiting to be born. I swear to the Gods my neighbors snuck in and gave me their boxes...dirty buggers.

    I took 2...count em...2 huge car loads to the dump today of boxes, old clothes, extra garbage that wouldn't cram into my dustbin outside and one old bookshelf that couldn't possibly withstand another put together.

    After that I bleached the dining room floor again (puppy lives there and I love her dearly but I have no idea what she does to mock me in there during the night.)

    I then helped Maurice move our fridge from the garage into the kitchen and the old fridge out into the garage. I then cleaned the fridge out while cooking dinner. I still have no idea how that happened, but hey it did and I won't go complaining. :D

    Whew! Tomorrow I have the inside of the house to focus on...laundry, kitchen, bathrooms, bedrooms....Mom can I have a maid now? xx

  3. Wendy-Yea for clean refrigerators! Did you remove the food or just do a cursory wipe down? Either way earns you major points, as do laundry and ten year olds! Where do you live? Is you ten year old a boy? I also have a video game-playing ten year old boy...

    Mesina-You are so motherfucking funny I can scarcely conjure up the focus to congratulate you on your super human cleaning powers because I'm giddy with laughter. But damn woman, is you a machine or what? Sorting a garage in one day, and having the follow-through to do the dump runs? Um, "baby boxes waiting to be born" practically caused convulsions of epic proportions. Plus bleaching floors and cleaning the refrigerator? You're coming dangerously close to endangering the cleaning tiara which sits atop my head. I haven't seen you since we were 17, and then you abandoned us pathetic Americans by moving across the pond, so I've never seen you in your own house. I'm duly impressed and bitter. You are such a gem, with baby gems inside waiting to be born with each new post! xoxo

  4. how could anyone dislike the dixie chicks after their comment about the lovely george bush?

    p.s. my car is sparkling clean!

  5. The thunderstorm threw me off....

  6. My car is definitely HIGH on my list of things to do. I'm just waiting for a little dryer weather so I don't have to take my vaccuum out in the rain.
    The honest truth though is, I'm going to have to neglect my house-saster a bit today to catch up on my studies. But you never could happen!

  7. OH! Almost forgot about the "portfolio-lio). ;-)
    What do we do? Hang some of the pics for a day or two, photograph, and recycle. The photographs allow us to save everything for poterity without taking up highly valuable real estate. We do save SOME special works of art and they go in an aptly labled box in the storage space (aka-garage).

  8. You all did great today. The storm ruined everything.

    Extra credit for Debe for risking getting struck by lightning to clean her car!