Thursday, January 14, 2010

Past the Particles

Head count: How many of you have passed out from holding your breath in the bathroom following the earth-shattering expose` re: insidious fecal particles drifting out of even the cleanest commodes?

How many have altered the means by which you wear your underwear, now that you know that the particles are nestled happily within them?

How many will be bold enough to exclaim that you now carry kiddie wipes and use them every hour, and spray your skivvies with the purse-sized aerosol can of OxiClean? (Okay that may be just me.)

How many have succumbed to bleach after years of swearing it off?

Finally, who of you will admit to taking the "fecal schmecal" attitude and have done nada? I mean, I know people who will find the presence of this invasion liberating, and justification to cut their cleaning routine from the current 10% down to 5% or so, so you're not alone if that's you.

Some things to consider:

-Please bleach all porcelain/plastic in your bathroom.

-Replace toothbrush holders (even cute ones from Target/Pier 1/IKEA) with travel cases and KEEP THEM THERE, preferably in a drawer.

-Have a remedial lesson in thorough wiping.

-Always leave the lid down, and spray something hell of poisonous, like Raid, on the toilet when you need to use it.

-Pee in the yard.

-Eat foods that make you constipated (ie-bananas).

-Remember even in view of this catastrophe, it is never okay to say the word poop outside your house. And while I'm at it, dropping the second 'p' does not glamorize this horrid word. Saying "Bella pooped outside," is a) Honest, and doesn't try to represent Bella as having done something amazing and beautiful, and b) a lie, because that fucking beast prefers to poop inside. Bitch.

Moving on...

Particles aside, we're facing a weekend, so here are some obscure ideas to tickle your fancy into action:

-Clean your range hood. It's dusty and has been calling you.

-Clean your coffee/espresso maker, putting all the pieces in the dishwasher if possible.

-Windex all windows.

-Attack your main bookshelf. You know your sunglasses, iPod, keys, christmas cards, and like a string, are on there, hiding like E.T. among the stuffed animals. Rearrange everything like Jennifer recently did. It brightens up the room and makes me happy.

-Bleach your wastebaskets.

-Sweep your porch/front step.

-Wipe the top of your refrigerator, and get all the shit off of it.

-Wipe all cords under tvs, games, and computers FTW!

-Answer this: Shit I can't remember. I had a question for you guys but I can't remember it. I'll be back with that.

Hop to it my lovelies, Saturday looms large!


  1. where can i get the purse-sized oxiclean? yes, i bought bleach, but i feel myself slipping into the 'fecal schmecal' attitude. i mean, it's not a rocket ship :)

  2. Since seeing something about this fecal spray thing on Mythbusters we've been a religous toothbrush in the drawer family and I am constantly trying to educate my children on the whole "lid down, then flush" process.

    I do have a question though oh glorious lover of bleach! How do you feel about Lysol's claims that bleach only bleaches stains and doesn't really eliminate them? Is this irrelevant since we are talking massacre of the biologicals?

  3. Its like you KNOW me! ALSO: how do you feel about organic friendly cleaners like vinegar followed with hydrogen peroxide. My Midwife swears it kills as much poo as bleach. THoughts???

  4. Bleach, then vinegar, then hydrogen peroxide.. then follow it up with a spray bottle of Grapefruit Seed Extract and water, followed by Tea Tree Oil Cleansing, followed by the bottle of Lavender Water you spray to cover up the chemical mist still lingering in the air, and make sure you leave THAT LAST bottle labeled where everyone can see it. :-P
    And only reply when someone says "wow, lavender water can get it THAT clean?"
    Of course the answer I must give is "NO, I bleached the X@3$% out of it!"

    Just my thoughts, which ironically I hand out unsolicited and still manage to find direct conversation utterly uncomfortable.

  5. Gail--"fecal schmecal?" OMG it's 2012!

    Jennifer--Kudos on toothbrushes in the drawer. As for your question, I've long considered myself an advocate for bleach, when it comes to stains that is essentially correct. However, the strong chemical agents contained in bleach do kill an array of germs and hopefully the dreaded particles. It's noxious enough to make a lot of people sick. Gotta hope it's killin' something.

    Joy--You're disqualified for saying poo and I'm not green when it comes to clean.

    Amy--Let the record show that I hate vinegar with a passion and that your routine left me gasping for air and feeling like a total sloth. Thanks for being so selfish. :)