Thursday, January 14, 2010
Past the Particles
Head count: How many of you have passed out from holding your breath in the bathroom following the earth-shattering expose` re: insidious fecal particles drifting out of even the cleanest commodes?
How many have altered the means by which you wear your underwear, now that you know that the particles are nestled happily within them?
How many will be bold enough to exclaim that you now carry kiddie wipes and use them every hour, and spray your skivvies with the purse-sized aerosol can of OxiClean? (Okay that may be just me.)
How many have succumbed to bleach after years of swearing it off?
Finally, who of you will admit to taking the "fecal schmecal" attitude and have done nada? I mean, I know people who will find the presence of this invasion liberating, and justification to cut their cleaning routine from the current 10% down to 5% or so, so you're not alone if that's you.
Some things to consider:
-Please bleach all porcelain/plastic in your bathroom.
-Replace toothbrush holders (even cute ones from Target/Pier 1/IKEA) with travel cases and KEEP THEM THERE, preferably in a drawer.
-Have a remedial lesson in thorough wiping.
-Always leave the lid down, and spray something hell of poisonous, like Raid, on the toilet when you need to use it.
-Pee in the yard.
-Eat foods that make you constipated (ie-bananas).
-Remember even in view of this catastrophe, it is never okay to say the word poop outside your house. And while I'm at it, dropping the second 'p' does not glamorize this horrid word. Saying "Bella pooped outside," is a) Honest, and doesn't try to represent Bella as having done something amazing and beautiful, and b) a lie, because that fucking beast prefers to poop inside. Bitch.
Particles aside, we're facing a weekend, so here are some obscure ideas to tickle your fancy into action:
-Clean your range hood. It's dusty and has been calling you.
-Clean your coffee/espresso maker, putting all the pieces in the dishwasher if possible.
-Windex all windows.
-Attack your main bookshelf. You know your sunglasses, iPod, keys, christmas cards, and like a string, are on there, hiding like E.T. among the stuffed animals. Rearrange everything like Jennifer recently did. It brightens up the room and makes me happy.
-Bleach your wastebaskets.
-Sweep your porch/front step.
-Wipe the top of your refrigerator, and get all the shit off of it.
-Wipe all cords under tvs, games, and computers FTW!
-Answer this: Shit I can't remember. I had a question for you guys but I can't remember it. I'll be back with that.
Hop to it my lovelies, Saturday looms large!