Saturday, March 6, 2010


Don't you even try to assert your Sunshine Amendment rights bitches, we've got serious work to do.

I'm in the throes of organization hell, and will pay anyone who wants to come and tell me which things going into all my shiny new space-savers because I admit to being like, "What?" I keep getting distracted by updating everyone's iPods (damn you Lady Gaga), making grocery lists, and absent-mindedly making rainbows with my Sharpies, anything to keep my back turned on the shelving, bins, crates, and everything else that lured me to the check-out with irresistable bedroom eyes, then grew fucking fangs upon arriving in the house, gnashing, "Whatta ya gonna do now?"

Moving on, I know there's going to be a mass exodus into the sun's golden rays today, and yes, I hate you all because this is my one day to give the house the what-for, and I face the bonus tasks of throwing things out, not my favourite, and I also have Deborah's dogs, because Bella only makes me half crazy.

So here's the lowdown:

I must deal with three new closet organizers, which is a two-for because that means I have to draw my sword and slay three closets as well.

I also have to get under the sinks and admit that some of our "systems" are a fraud. Like I have a lot of half-used lotions and didn't-work-out shampoos that I haven't thrown away because what if someone else wants them? But let's be real, who comes over and hunkers down digging under the dual vanity going, "Can I have the rest of the Redken Heat Wave?" So bye bye reject hair product, and bye bye serious clink as well. We still have these semi-disturbing water-spitting whales under Todd's sink from when the kids were babies. Seriously? And like baby shampoo, and razor heads here and there like easter eggs. Not to mention drawers (!!!) and the fact that my closet is not only the next natural disaster, but a bevvy of beautiful things, artifacts that will be getting the ax, and things I'd really rather never see again. Once the closets and cupboards and shelving are done, I have to get painting, til midnight or one.

Meanwhile, I will be weaving in these must-dos:

-Run dishes and washing machine.

-Bleach all sinks.

-Ajax both bathrooms, except one toilet.

-All mats in the wash.

-Sweep/Swiffer all floors.

-Surprise kids with their treats and hope their exuberance will eclipse their three-times-too-large chore lists.

-Wrestle the 384978475897 cords under the tv as if I was the freaking Croc Hunter.

-Clean out refrigerator.

-Take soon-to-be-garage-sale showcase stuff off the dryer and into storage.

-Stare at the never-used home school math books and assorted texts for the 97th time and walk away.

-Upload more music.

-Get rid of old towels, who got voted off the island by the new amazing organic cotton ones.

-Segregate the adult books from the kids' library, using gorgeous new bookshelf.

-Dust like it's 2012!

-Scrub the bathrooms. Possibly set the primer inside the door.

-Clear all surfaces, meaning ultimatums, tears, whatever it takes. I hate projects!

-Take all the dogs out, one of the most unlikely pictures in my life.

-Put all clothes away.

-Go through kids' clothes, especially Quinn's, which are virtually brand new, as he skips 5'8" and soars on up toward six feet. Damn it's getting expensive. Just bought him size 18 Levi's. For those of who don't know us, he is 11. This will leave me with a stunning heap of really nice clothes to redistribute as time allows because motherfuck, I am over consigning. Onto the dryer I guess. Sigh. Vicious cycle.

-Do some lint roller magic. I de-fuzzed the horizontal strip over the blinds last week, and may I just say, I was pretty impressed.

-Windex all mirrors, windows, and tv/computer screens.

-Change sheets/re-make beds. Well, give the orders.

-Tidy up/sweep back porch, a.k.a. Todd's nest. Scowl at him.

That about wraps it up, wouldn't you say? I'm not sure how any of you will be choosing from the aforementioned tasks all the way from the park, you SELFISH BASTARDS, but that's what I'll be up to.

Joy, your coupons are woefully crooked, it's bugging me to no end. Fix.It.!

Turn on some tunes, put your hair in a ponytail, arm yourself, and let the good times roll!


  1. I am making a mass exodus into the sun but in honor of you I'm setting my timer for 15 mins for each of the rooms in my house. I'll also make sure my laundry machines are both humming as I walk out the door. I also am spraying down the shower while I do all that and scrubbing it as I shower.

    I totally suffer from the half/never used situation with the beauty products.

    I'd love to come help organize but I got the kiddos :-(

  2. Ok this is HELL for me..I repeat HELL. Currently I am not allowed to clean much, since it sends my pelvis into an emotional breakdown and me into tears. Thus, Maurice gets all jiggy on my ass if I even attempt to do more than I should. He is picking up what I can't and working full time AND cleaning the house PLUS cooking. He's doing a great job and I love him so much for it but...
    There. I said it. xx

  3. Jennifer--I APPLAUD your timer routine as you ready yourself for a busy day. And leaving everything humming--music to my ears. "Suffering from the half/never used situation" made me die laughing as your wry humour so often does. We kick so much ass, why, you'd think I was dangerous! Good job lady. Drinks soon.

    Mes--It was your pelvis that got you into this veritable prison after all. Plus, you get to watch Maurice cook and clean and still get some lip action afterward? Um. Shut.The.Fuck.Up. xoxo

  4. When do we get to see your updated playlist? Mine feels so drab.