Saturday, July 31, 2010

Slowly Saturday

Even the truly Moxie-less ought to be able to run with today's challenges.


Do five, FIVE, things in each room/nook of your home.

First I put the washing machine to work. I wipe the washer and dryer down with wipes, after de-cluttering the inevitable crap that nests atop them, especially the dryer. You can sweep the floor/mats, wash mats, put away any hanging clothes, sort clothes, especially whites awaiting their bleach bath.

After this, I always start in the kitchen, go straight to dishes, then wiping up sink/counter, then floors, then garbage. Surely you can get under those canisters, wipe down the refrigerator, or straighten your counter top so you can bounce a quarter off of it.

If you feel like staying in the trenches, you'll head to the bathroom, but if you're working room-to-room, you'll likely end up in the living room. For bathrooms, spray/scatter/apply cleaning agent of choice to sinks, tubs, and toilets. Put bath mats in the laundry, sweep the floor, scrub out sink, wiping it with a dry washcloth afterward, especially the chrome. Next is the tub/shower, and then the toilet. Hang fresh towels, maybe light some non-patchouli incense (haha Dana) and voila. For those of you with excessive make-up/product-on-the-counter issues, challenge yourself to do that later, preferably by putting all of it onto the hallway floor.

Living rooms are a simple formula: Round up garbage, dishes, call on kids for toy removal, fold blankets, clear/wipe/ end tables, straighten throw pillows, everything off the floor, dust, and hopefully vacuum.

Obviously you cannot just vacuum the living room. So either keep going into hallways (steering around your make-up heap) and bedrooms, or leave your trusty steed upright and waiting for you to clear more space in the...

BEDROOMS: Have kids clean and sort what they can, strip beds (committed!), toss things behind their backs, dust, re-make beds, and vacuum. Same formula in master bedrooms, minus the toys, er, um...

Miscellaneous: WINDEX, I can't stress it enough. When you see watermarks on your bathroom mirrors, grab it, and don't stop until you've gotten all visible interior windows (five minutes people, really), mirrors, chrome fixtures, and media screens. Caution: With TV and computer screens, don't spray the Windex directly onto the surface. Spray it onto your paper towel, and then clean it. No one likes to anticipate "cleaning all the mirrors and windows," but once you grab that spray bottle, you're like the sheriff. It's one of my favourite pick-me-ups. I am decidedly less enamoured of cleaning the external windows. O_o

Dusting. Five minutes, from one end to the other. Very lightly damp rag preferred.

Clutter! Kill it! Maim it! Curse it! Burn it! It is the bane of cleaning and life in general.

For those of you who share the irrepressible urge let's call it, I probably don't have to direct you to the baseboards and cords, nor to the car! I heart my Shop-Vac, but I discovered the other night that in a pinch, you can lint roll your car to a pine needle-less, hairless, whatever-less heaven.

If you get a fraction of this done this weekend, you will be ever-so-happy. More importantly, I will be. Let me know what went down, and if all you've got are excuses (or reasons), let the throwdown begin. I enjoy all your input, and thank everyone who has called this week to ... well, you know.


  1. ugh. this place can turn into a shithole so fast.

    today i:
    -wiped down the bathroom. i am so happy to not be stepping on rogue kitty litter or slipping on spilled water. fucking kittens.

    - made blueberry muffins with four ingredients out of the required nine. this is what happens when your refrigerator goes out and you don't get reimbursed for spoiled food.

    - cleaned reilly's kittens' litterbox and vacuumed/febreezed the spare room that they're in. remind me why i agreed to this? they need to be nancy, not kourtney and khloe. i am disappointed in you.

    - yeah, this was going to be a lot longer and wittier but you done took up all my time with your random, irrelevant anecdotes and i have to go pick sorren up now.

    - omg stop squeezing!

  2. dbro--You can take your so-called "shithole" and shove it. Your mess in its entirety could fit onto an end table in anyone else's house. No sympathy. None.

    You are the improv Queen of the Kitchen, what can I say?

    I love how these assholes are now "Reilly's kittens." I told you you would crash and burn into a stone wall of regret. You should have just started doing meth. Littler box in the bathroom is grounds for immediate dismissal, I'm so glad you bagged that plan. Lack of credit for me duly noted. I will, in turn, tell everyone how *I* made gourmet blueberry muffins out of baking soda, um, pasta?, and whatever else. I did not name the felines Kourtney and Khloe jerk, I only neglected to protest because I was trying not to die. I am so selfish. I named them Nancy, and I have the texts to prove it. Hell even The Hags of Hatred use my names, despite public promises not to, for your sake. But I digress...into random, irrelevant anecdotes.

    When your nap-fighting late day mania sets in, be sure to post your insanity, such as throwing away my $45.00. (Me bitter? You bet your ASS!)

    Re: Squeezing--I did it at gunpoint so shut it.

    Go find my $45.00. Nancy is easily worth $50.00, but you can keep the change.

  3. no, *i* named them nancy. you named the black one authentic mango and completely bailed on MY siamese kitten, remember? then i was left fighting off the horrendous names reilly was throwing at me, such as carol, joanie, alice, belinda, etc. seriously, you need to ground her.

    i wish i knew where the $45 was. :(
    i will make you enchiladas for dinner if that helps... ♥

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  5. Um, enchiladas don't fucking help at all, but I still want them. Piña coladas too. Pleaseandthankyou.

    I mean, the personal genius of naming them Nancy is all me baby, but I'm certainly not going to fight for cred in an open forum. Everything about the situation brings you great shame, and you should just wear a burqa and change your name to Judith.

    Ugh the $45.00!!! Maybe that was the price I paid to glean what we did from Michael and Larissa? Because seriously, had I not known that, well, you know.

    Okay I just chipped away at the cosmetics department hurricane aftermath that is the back vanity, and I'm exhausted. I also got rid of some hideous, I mean GORGEOUS dessert glasses you can pick up any time, threw away the broken flip flops. There are so many black pairs around here I had to find them as I ran/tripped out to greet Deborah. Hmmm...I think I'll hit some laundry, sweep all the floors, rearrange some clutter, and do the mirrors/windows and general wiping. I hope Dr. Jensen is working tonight. Jesus.

    Oh and what have you CLEANED you side-stepper?

  6. I will not concede. Nancy was all me. Well, I mean, that shit name came from Rei, but it was my ingenious to name them Nancy.

    As for cleaning, I cleaned the hell out of the kitchen, made enchiladas, bought a tiramisu as a consolation prize for the lack of piña coladas, and will soon be shampooing the carpet once Todd gets here with the shampooer. Or maybe I will delegate that task...

  7. It's Sunday for me now. My man is coming home today from a weekend in Holland. I've addicted to him like he's fuckin' crack. So naturally, I have to shower, shave, primp, do make up, make myself totally gorgeous AND clean the entire house so he can focus on ME and not wonder why I didn't do anything all weekend! COS I TOTALLY DIDN'T!
    Shit. How fast can I do this?!

  8. ARGH! My mom's coming today and I have been cleaning for 2 days. I've scrubbed the walls in every room, done dishes and vacuumed furiously all to no avail because I have so much clutter the house looks the same. I have also supervised the complete revamp of my kiddos rooms!

  9. Alright, but before I can do ANYTHING I have to first visit my elliptical and then shower. . . I also will need to make a list so that I can keep track of my five things in each room because I have 11 rooms (not including halls) and will no doubt get distracted at some point. I also have to go pick up MIL at the hotel and bring her here. Dang. I better get off my butt and get movin'!

  10. I can totally get behind this post. I will commit to tackle 5 things in one room per day (that's about all the kid will allow these days) Well, one room plus basics. But yes, I can make the commitment AND I'll even keep you updated on it. (And possibly use this as blog fodder)

  11. Ms. Verbose--You are a lost cause. I cleaned your house and your dumb-ass kittens still have no names. I really enjoyed the stupid bells around their necks.

    Mes--Do you mean "I'm" addicted to him? I mean, duh. Also, you're always gorgeous and your house is spic-and-span. You make everything look too easy. Bitch...ahem... so was your reunion amazing? How much cleaning did you manage with Jared attached? Inquiring minds want to know. But get over him quick already, I miss our midnight phone calls. I feel like we're in The Parent Trap.

    Pepper--I so want to be there and get rid of your clutter and visit Jan! Why do so many of my best people live in CO? You all hate the weather. I want to see pics of the kids' rooms, and what you did in the final hour before she arrived. Did Will help? Hahahahahaha! Love you lady, good job busting your ass, as always. I cannot WAIT to see you, I'm looking for a scalpel!

    Dawna--ELEVEN rooms not counting hallways? Jesus. You're definitely my successor! Plus you worked out? Can't wait to hear what what you didn't do! Btw, we need to come visit your hot tub soon. (You can join.) I'm not sure if they're having a memorial for Sara in Newport or not, but I'm not going, are you? It's pretty much down to you, Pepper, Mes, and me. Everyone else has died. What a shitty signature right? Hopefully you'll be cleaning for our visit soon. Except you don't really have to clean. Ooohh, Georgie's!

    Kasondra--I was thinking of you as I typed the above post, because it scarcely deviated from straight-up instruction, and since I know Stefan is military, I figured you could use a break from all my nonsensical segues into Lord-knows-what. So it was all for you! But you have a bit of The Sick--where you think four shirts on a dresser is dirt. I know whereof I speak, and you have to chill the fuck out so you can grow that baby! Seriously, I will PM you so you can put your home in perspective. Besides, any day now Frankie will be taking over the cleaning. I have long maintained that a slow steady effort will keep the shithole at bay. Let's see if it works for you.

  12. As for your fearless leader, I got the old bait-and-switch last night. Debe made the best enchiladas we've ever had, but rather than piña coladas, she served some diet Dr. Pepper, which is generally a favourite but obviously swill by comparison. My consolation was tiramisu. Meager right? Still, by all rights it was one of the best meals I've ever had, so I snuck in to clean the kitchen this morning at painful o'clock. I unloaded all her weird new shit whose places are unknown to me, loaded up what was in the sink, wiped down all the surfaces, including the dining room table and chairs, place mats, stove top, etc. I then lined her covetously sparse cupboards with the gaudy dessert glasses Barbara gave me, whose rims are like ten feet long, rendering them impossible to use for anything but well, dessert. Apparently Debe plans to have eight people over for parfait. Presumably Donkey, from Shrek and his posse. With her cupboards loaded with my garage sale give-aways, I went on to tackle her super-bitch RED garbage can that was only available at Target for 2.5 motherfucking seconds. OMG I was so jealous I wouldn't even come over for two days. It has like 14 rods and bars that require squeezing to release the trash, like some metal Sudoku just to take out someone else's garbage while they sleep off the tiramisu hangover that should have been a piña colada hangover, ugh! I walked the trash and 90 cute World Market crates of recycling to the little debris steeple at her sweet new digs, and got busy with the floors, kitchen, bathroom, and laundry. I didn't want her to know I was there cleaning so I couldn't vacuum. So, in anticipation of her shampooing today, (what happened to shampooing, jerk?) I fucking LINT ROLLED her living room, and refused to acknowledge that Nancy was snuggled together like a yin yang symbol pretty cutely on the edge, the very edge of an ottoman. One is black and the other is Siamese. Anyway, it was great and she was stoked and I left my house clean and my kids are off growing up in leaps and bounds and miles ridden and other saddish milestones, so I know my place is clean.

    I need to download iBooks so my purse stops ripping, and then it's the season finale of Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami tonight!!!

    Ooohh, what will Assholes Anonymous say about such drivel? They've definitely dropped the bar of intellect and class, so they're probably watching too. Enjoy! (You are what you live, and I've seen it.)

  13. OMG, I can't follow this but Debe if you want more cats, I'm getting rid of mine. They poo behind the couch, tv and today since I have put tin foil and done every other thing possible to deter them and shut every door to every room, one of the cats pooed under the dining room table. (Don't you really want them now?) I think it is just Alexander not Anastasia (take notes please on amazing cat names.) I can't take it anymore. My kids may never heal but the cats are goners. What was I thinking?

    P.S. Patchouli is an amazing scent.