Thursday, July 1, 2010

Thursday Throwdown

I figured this is my final stab at getting anyone's attention before I lose you to the world of Piccolo Petes, snakes, smoke bombs, illegal fountains, ad nauseum. Suffice it to say, the 4th of July is not my dream holiday, as I revile loud endless shocking noise, and, since we have always gone to Todd's family's property on the coast, I get to witness the assholes who leave their fire works carcasses and trash strewn about their not-all-the-way-out camp fires. No thanks, really.

So I'm pissed off because I can't clean until the stitches are out (MOTHERFUCK! Really universe?), so my natural response is to punish all of you with everything I wish I was doing right this second.

Here goes:

-Figure out how to spiff up the tops of my suede ottomans. They're losing a bit of their luster and that just won't do.

-Dust the vertical blinds, tediously, with a mini lint roller. And the top too, so the stupid fucking corner piece falls off and you have to go spelunking to retrieve it and a pencil from behind the love seat.

-Introduce Murphy's Oil to the table.

-Weed some of the crafts out of the school shelf.

-Wipe down entire kitchen, once the dishes are unloaded/loaded.

-Bleach the left side of the sink that was forgotten the other day and is exceedingly jealous of the right side.

-Wash kitchen windows and oven door.

-Clean range hood and underneath.

-Soak drip pans, use a BRILO pad, replace. :)

-Wash floor with hot bleach solution on hands and knees (or in my case, mind).

-Organize dvds/video games in the amazing tote everyone ignores.

-Dust both computers.

-Clear off end tables.

-De-clutter main counter.

-Shred the mail that sits sneering like a total asshole.

-Rearrange the kids' room. Again. Again.

-Organize back vanity. Two "women" and a son whose regimen could teach me a thing or two = having to straighten it out EVERY SINGLE DAY now. Joy.

(Recent phone call from Reilly, who does not wear make up but who I do allow to use some under eye concealer because she inherited crack whore dark circles from her mama--you're welcome!)

"Mom? You know that pouch that you keep all your make up in?"

"You mean my make up pouch, lol?"

"Right. Well I need the concealer out of that."

"I'm 50 miles away."

"Okay well can we pick up a few things for me for when you have the bag?"

"Um, it's my bag, but yeah, I'll get you some concealer."

So see, the vanity is like some bus stop, where everyone goes to preen and beautify and constantly needs to be organized and wiped down. I'm really glad my kids have an innate drive to be clean and groomed, but cleaning up glitter is charming twice.

-Strip/re-make beds.

-Fold blankets.


-Make sure all laundry is folded and put away.

-Clean fans.

-Reach my water bottle and book alllll the way over there. Ugh.

Okay, put that in your spout and launch it!


  1. i labeled everything but the oats.

  2. Your achievement, while undoubtedly glorious, gets no credit because you used my label maker.

    Why don't you detail the ass-kicking your house endured today. Serious.

    I'm glad you can distinguish your rise from your brown sugar...