Saturday, June 26, 2010
Gettin' all Saturday-Like!
Yes, I know the sun is here, and you're all in a mad rush to soak up its every ray, since we Oregonians know how fleeting these visits can be, even in the summer. But, I will caution that too much frolicking will give your house carte blanche to turn itself inside out, until it is virtually unrecognizable, regardless of the condition in which you left it. Specifically, dust, my inanimate arch nemesis, will invade with reinforcements the likes of which you've never seen. So, there are a few things we can do to minimize the sneaker wave shit hole that threatens to greet you sun worshipers.
-If you're eating outside a lot, whether garden delights or Hebrew National hot dogs (the only acceptable brand--though no more for me thankyouverymuch), try using paper plates, so as not to be lugging mustard-streaked plates in. This would make me so happy. I know the earth might say "tsk tsk," but do you always obey the earth? Are you wearing a GIANT hat outside? See?
-Take all garbage cans and wastebaskets out to prevent being accosted by smells you might not survive.
-Don't leave compost, no matter how secure.
-I highly recommend getting your laundry washed and folded beforehand, because seeing its ugly mug after you've basked all day will piss you off and make you run away to to Costa Rica to live in a palapa. Ahhhhhh palapas. I know whereof I speak.
-Dust thoroughly. I cannot stress this enough.
-Keep a little fan going, lest you choke and die.
-Make sure beds are clean and made.
-Vacuum your car once a week. No joke. If you don't have a Shop Vac, come over and I'll do it.
-Be sure to wipe down kitchen and bathroom so the ants don't mistake your absence for an engraved invitation to house sit. They are pieces of shit, second only to their human counterparts, who also inhabit this area. Kirkland wipes or Lysol or some green-type spray work well.
-Tuck in chairs, tidy up towels, straighten pillows, rugs, etc.
It may sound like a lot, but you can do all this in one hour, and it will help prevent epic catastrophe.
-Scrape my eyes open to greet the Comcast guys who canceled today (!!!), trying not to look like a crack whore while they hook us up in the new house.
-Finish hanging up the clothes at which all the new white hangers are batting their eyelashes.
-Fill the shoe rack that *I* , yes I, style retard, found at Target, and is so cute I want to squeeze something really hard.
-Go to Beaverton to get the tv from Becky, who is an amazing life saver.
-Install said tv and exhale after a long Chelsea fast.
-Put my hair up and get ready to haul the washer and dryer. Shit.
BACK TO THE OLD HOUSE:
-Clean out my bedroom, wiping EVERYTHING down.
-Clean kitchen, cull neglected items and toss them in the garage sale pile, also known as the garage.
-Run external hard drive. Marvel at how anyone could stand not to have hundreds of pictures of their kids, but more shocking still is that _________ did not demand pictures of him/herself, as that would have been more important. Rejoice in pics of my kids, and rest in their protection.
-Agonize over replacement/moving of couches.
-Basically, remove what I can, clean what's left, and leave the rest in the hands of the garage sale fairies.
-Oh, I will be cleaning the fans.
-And bleaching garbage cans.
-And packing away framed pictures and art.
-And drinking at least 12 coffees.
-AND! Trick my back with Darvocet, because goddamn that's some wicked pain, but I won't stop. Evah!
-Hit the car wash.
-Generally minimize, that's what it's all about. That, and shipping off packages to a new baby and to my nephews.
-This will happen. People are depending on me, so there's no two ways about it!
So you can't leave me hanging you selfish jerks. Get moving and show me some love!
-Scrub both bathr tubs.