Friday, June 12, 2009

Friday's Fog

This sleeping is utter nonsense. Things got so dire the doctor said to "pop Xanax like candy, " meaning, quadruple my dose, until I am sleeping at least four hours a night. He cautioned that it will smack me with quite a hangover, and that I need to relinquish the urge to get everything done and be all things to all people.

Please. This was the on call doctor, so while I did appreciate all the extra Xanax he phoned in (I have enough to use it as actual currency), I did not agree to usurp my superhuman powers (minus gardening).

But the hangover. Okay, Moxie tip #1: When stoned on 6,000mgs of Xanax, do not attempt to change the toilet paper roll in the middle of the night. Having been asleep an hour, I used the bathroom and somehow became extremely perplexed during the changing and ended up sucking on the end of the rod. I think I was expecting a protein shake but can't remember. Then it hit me what I was doing and I had to have a nip of bleach and scrub my tongue with a Brilo pad before I could lie back down. So yeah, lots 'o Xanax = don't change the toilet paper.


(And Bethany, of COURSE that is my house, hence my constant shame and anxiety about people coming over. It's mine in that I own the picture.)

In spite of my eyes insisting on being mostly closed, I did do these things this morning as I stumbled and slurred my way over here:




Oops, guess I dropped the ball. (Better than sucking it.)

Nonetheless: My wish list, should this fog ever lift, is this:

-Do the three dishes, after Quinn unloads the dishwasher.

-Wipe down kitchen.

-Sweep/Swiffer kitchen.

-Fold two remaining baskets of laundry while watching Frasier.

-Sweep back porch, as the banjo music is getting pretty loud.

-Make all three beds (two of which are still in use).

-Get to Heather's to have my blouse altered. She said morning but I hope she meant 1pm. Driving with a Xanax hangover is highly inadvisable.

-Scream at the dust particles as I swipe, in hopes that they will opt to land somewhere more peaceful next time. (Like, maybe a war zone.)

-De-clutter/wipe down counter.

-Clean and remind everyone that the computer desks are not the dump.

-Clean off back vanity.

-Crawl over the couch to access this lamp that has started leaning towards the wall like ivy, dust it down, down the base, including the cord, then the wall, window sills, etc., since climbing over the couch is not something I relish.

-Maybe squeeze in a field sobriety test? Damn.

-Tackle the top kitchen drawer, so as to organize my meds, so when people come over, as has been happening a lot, they're not assaulted by my veritable pharmacy of mood stabilizers. Yes, what's the point of hiding them when I just shared? Well a) most of my friends don't read the blog, and b) What's the point of sucking on the toilet paper rod? These things, we don't know/

-Wipe down garbage can.

-Wipe down bathroom sinks.

-Mourn the comforter I did not buy, in favour of the one I did, as I make the bed.

-Scream and cry that my new shirt and favourite jeans went through the dryer yesterday. Luckily, Pam bought it off me, but my best jeans are now capris. :(...

Question from a Moxie Lurkling:

dear moxie,

I find that the right soundtrack can help me get in the mood to clean. What is your ideal cleaning soundtrack?

(Don't you love how she doesn't capitalize my name, but does capitalize *I*? Give you one guess as to who this is...)

Answer: Dear lover of melancholy music:

First of all, no Alison Krauss, number one. You heard my eclectic mix that day at Megans'. It's a playlist on my iTunes called "Manic Cleaning Playlist." Obviously anything with a fast beat, to which you can sing along, doesn't remind you of any break-ups, etc. I dig everything from Kenny Loggins to Outkast to the Kamehameha School Children's Chorus to Pink. Right now I like the Ting Tings' Shut Up and Let Me Go and Lady Marmalade with Christina Aguilera, but more importantly Pink, as well as Pink's cover of Me & Bobby McGee, which I dare say I prefer to Janis Joplin. In any event, I can help you create a playlist today, which will feel fresh and surprising to you.. Then again, don't I owe you some cleaning? So I guess it will be whatever I want.

But nothing slow. You saw what happened in the Murphy's Oil.

Okay Moxlings, I've wasted enough time, here are your challenges for Friday:

-Start a load of wash, rotate if necessary. Then BLAST some fast music, even if it's New Kids on the Block, and tackle your kitchen with furious anger. After the kitchen is wiped clean (don't forget, under the canisters and such), sweep/spot check the floor, and THEN return to reconcile the laundry. Why aren't we all just wearing disposable scrubs? Okay one you've rotated, either sit and fold or:

-Pick up twenty things in five minutes.

-Wipe down door knobs (easy!).

-Wash main window.

-Amp up your kids' chores. (I can show you what mine do if that helps.)

-Finally, let today be about floors. I always stress counter tops because I'm taller than the Eiffel Tower so they're all I see, but most of you have smaller children who strew their shit around, and yours, until it feels like that tornado touched down. Enlist the kids in a race, pick everything up, throwing things towards the garage, throwing things away, threatening your kids if they don't make their stuff disappear. Get those floors clean.

-And why does no one send pictures, except that one of Chelsea's desk (where's my after shot?) and Jacob, who makes me want to cry.

How about that gang? Can we dig it?

I'm telling you Pink is where it's at!


  1. Today is flailing Friday. I've got a sick kid so we are obsessively washing hands and wiping surfaces. The laundry has taken over and I'm shamefully stepping over it to get into my bedroom. The dishes haven't started an ecosystem yet but they are reeving up for it.


  2. Well, I'm doing laundry (need to rotate now) and cleaned up my kitchen. Looks good. I also did some paperwork and filing. (Ick!) That may be it for today, don't really know yet.

  3. Oh, and I don't send pics because, although I have a beautiful, pretty clean house, I think it would make you have a coronary, because clutter-free it is not.

  4. I'm sorry to those of you who have now heard this 2, even 3 times, but I came home yesterday to find my refrigerator door had been open all day. Ugh!

    After I finally got a hold of myself and put the situation in perspective I...

    -unload dishwasher, putting still wet dishes in the strainer

    -reloaded dishwasher

    -washed pans by hand

    -cleaned out all the wasted food

    -took garbage out

    -made son put away his own laundry

    -cleared and wiped dining room table

    -wiped down outside of my can! Who am I?

    -made pancakes, ate dinner with kids, did remaining dishes

    -while making pancakes I transferred rest of my spices to bottles (from bulk)

    -wiped down table, stove, counters and scrubbed kitchen sinks

    -gave my daughter a bath

    Tonight, well we'll see, I'm having one of those days.

    For the record, I hardly post pictures because it takes too much time to add them to my own blog entries and I need to put your email in my phone contacts. I think this weekend my cupboard will be ready for its after picture.

  5. I took pictures for you on Wednesday of my family room before and after. I'll help you bask in your inspiration power and glory by uploading them. Took phone pictures yesterday of a bookcase before and after but it was only impressive to my own eyes.

    Sleep really IS a job right now for you. I know it's so, so, so hard to let everything else go, but you have to do it. Long term sleep deprivation can lead to hospitalization and lordy, you don't want that. Nothing to clean there!


    Before & after are right next to each other. In my defense, this pretty much an all-time low for me. You may have a coronary looking at even the after picture. I know I did. One of those never-again moments.

  7. Pink is a goddess, love her! Must listen to her through everything, not just cleaning. Also, the doorknobs were not a choice today as they were so coated in toddler oatmeal that there was no choice but to clean them no matter how sick I was.
    PS. I have received some VERY entertaining ambien emails from friends, they are truly the highlight of my day....feel free to send me a note full of xanax sometime, I love drugged emails!

  8. Megan-Your pouty jokes earn you bottomless grace. Let me know when you'll stop making a fool out of me and let me come help you. Pants optional.

    Wendy-That's a lot. Paper work is shit. Clean kitchen it's what I'm talking about, yea you! As for those pictures you won't send? Um, I live amidst boxes inside boxes on top of boxes, adjacent to boxes. You could eat off my toilets (but please don't because then we can't be friends), but there is nary a soothing surface. Clutter is our master.

    Jennifer-One of those nights? Like, one of those nights when you kick my ass? Damn girl, you're on fire! Let's make that date, I can feel those crafts sneering at me.

    Bethany-You are on crack. Speed? Are you trying to usurp me? Damn. I will bite my tongue clean off about the before pic (<3) but suffice it to say you are the ass-kickingest Moxling of the week. Hospitalization schmospitalization, who has time? I'll be fine. I am so tough and hospitals are so disgusting, I will myself better, thanks.

    -Just an FYI: I paid Quinn $10 on top of his regular allowance to do all the shitty jobs I'd normally be doing. Wipe down electrical cords underneath both computers, dust lamps, vacuum, dishes, wash windows, etc. OMG I may hang up my Swiffer and just pay him to do it. He's very cerebral so he does a better job in a lot of ways than I do. I'm a fucking genius...sloth...still in my underwear.

    Karinda-Um, Pink is mine, I will take your ass out! Her cover of Me & Bobby McGee is a complete mental orgasm. Oatmeal door knobs are the absolute opposite of an orgasm. Also, what are Ambien emails, and what are notes full of Xanax? I'm confused. Are you referring to my new and seemingly permanent drug-induced stupor? I'll have you know I fake it very well, except for sucking on that damned t.p. rod. And running red lights. And putting dirty spoons in my planner. I'd better stop before I'm dethroned.

    Doing great guys!

  9. I am on the crack of realizing that I have a little over a week before I will be descended upon by six out of town relatives for my brother's wedding. Apparently, I have been delegated the job of entertaining said relatives, several of which, thank you sweet jeebies have hotel rooms. Still, most of these relatives haven't been west of Kansas, and several haven't seen me since I was rather odd teenager, and um. yes. Suddenly I feel very much like cleaning. Because I *do* love clean. And I want it to look like I *always* carry through on that love. And since that's not going to happen, I'll settle for them not screaming in horror and talking about me in hushed tones. (I have no shame hosting our amazing friends. Relatives are another story).

  10. Also.

    Coffee. There were 10 cups leftover from the quilting bee. My garden got *part* of that. :P

  11. Well yesterday got the better of me since my new mobile phone arrived and I spent most of the afternoon working things out. You all would have paid to see me shouting at the damn thing trying to test the voice activation ''MAURICE! I said MAURICE!'' *insert phone bashing sounds here*. Needless to say I didn't break it, despite all the swearing in Dutch (which is so much cooler than in english, you must try it!). The entire event will not be posted on YouTube, since no one was there to video me for your amusements. My fans must all be on holiday....yeah...that's it.
    But I did manage to:
    -Make beds
    -fold up the last of the laundry
    -Sort through my dirty little secret of the bag of orphaned socks. I found a few matching pairs the rest, I am ditching!
    -get Tahira to do dishes, these are normally her chores anyway
    -cleared off our breakfast table which was fast becoming a tip site.

    The rest of the evening was spent with the family, then Maurice and I had a lovely evening together, chatting and relaxing.

    Everyone looks so back on track, well done everyone! xx

  12. Bethany-Nothing puts the fear of god into you like impending relatives. Go go go!

    And what's coffee again? Sniff...

    Mesina-You could basically sit on the couch all day and crack me up. Also, you're fluent already? Damn you. <3 Good job keeping things maintained, I knew I could count on you.