Friday's Fog

This sleeping is utter nonsense. Things got so dire the doctor said to "pop Xanax like candy, " meaning, quadruple my dose, until I am sleeping at least four hours a night. He cautioned that it will smack me with quite a hangover, and that I need to relinquish the urge to get everything done and be all things to all people.

Please. This was the on call doctor, so while I did appreciate all the extra Xanax he phoned in (I have enough to use it as actual currency), I did not agree to usurp my superhuman powers (minus gardening).

But the hangover. Okay, Moxie tip #1: When stoned on 6,000mgs of Xanax, do not attempt to change the toilet paper roll in the middle of the night. Having been asleep an hour, I used the bathroom and somehow became extremely perplexed during the changing and ended up sucking on the end of the rod. I think I was expecting a protein shake but can't remember. Then it hit me what I was doing and I had to have a nip of bleach and scrub my tongue with a Brilo pad before I could lie back down. So yeah, lots 'o Xanax = don't change the toilet paper.

Tip #2: DO NOT POST ON FACEBOOK!

(And Bethany, of COURSE that is my house, hence my constant shame and anxiety about people coming over. It's mine in that I own the picture.)

In spite of my eyes insisting on being mostly closed, I did do these things this morning as I stumbled and slurred my way over here:

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Oops, guess I dropped the ball. (Better than sucking it.)

Nonetheless: My wish list, should this fog ever lift, is this:

-Do the three dishes, after Quinn unloads the dishwasher.

-Wipe down kitchen.

-Sweep/Swiffer kitchen.

-Fold two remaining baskets of laundry while watching Frasier.

-Sweep back porch, as the banjo music is getting pretty loud.

-Make all three beds (two of which are still in use).

-Get to Heather's to have my blouse altered. She said morning but I hope she meant 1pm. Driving with a Xanax hangover is highly inadvisable.

-Scream at the dust particles as I swipe, in hopes that they will opt to land somewhere more peaceful next time. (Like, maybe a war zone.)

-De-clutter/wipe down counter.

-Clean and remind everyone that the computer desks are not the dump.

-Clean off back vanity.

-Crawl over the couch to access this lamp that has started leaning towards the wall like ivy, dust it down, down the base, including the cord, then the wall, window sills, etc., since climbing over the couch is not something I relish.

-Maybe squeeze in a field sobriety test? Damn.

-Tackle the top kitchen drawer, so as to organize my meds, so when people come over, as has been happening a lot, they're not assaulted by my veritable pharmacy of mood stabilizers. Yes, what's the point of hiding them when I just shared? Well a) most of my friends don't read the blog, and b) What's the point of sucking on the toilet paper rod? These things, we don't know/

-Wipe down garbage can.

-Wipe down bathroom sinks.

-Mourn the comforter I did not buy, in favour of the one I did, as I make the bed.

-Scream and cry that my new shirt and favourite jeans went through the dryer yesterday. Luckily, Pam bought it off me, but my best jeans are now capris. :(...


Question from a Moxie Lurkling:

dear moxie,

I find that the right soundtrack can help me get in the mood to clean. What is your ideal cleaning soundtrack?

(Don't you love how she doesn't capitalize my name, but does capitalize *I*? Give you one guess as to who this is...)

Answer: Dear lover of melancholy music:

First of all, no Alison Krauss, number one. You heard my eclectic mix that day at Megans'. It's a playlist on my iTunes called "Manic Cleaning Playlist." Obviously anything with a fast beat, to which you can sing along, doesn't remind you of any break-ups, etc. I dig everything from Kenny Loggins to Outkast to the Kamehameha School Children's Chorus to Pink. Right now I like the Ting Tings' Shut Up and Let Me Go and Lady Marmalade with Christina Aguilera, but more importantly Pink, as well as Pink's cover of Me & Bobby McGee, which I dare say I prefer to Janis Joplin. In any event, I can help you create a playlist today, which will feel fresh and surprising to you.. Then again, don't I owe you some cleaning? So I guess it will be whatever I want.

But nothing slow. You saw what happened in the Murphy's Oil.

Okay Moxlings, I've wasted enough time, here are your challenges for Friday:

-Start a load of wash, rotate if necessary. Then BLAST some fast music, even if it's New Kids on the Block, and tackle your kitchen with furious anger. After the kitchen is wiped clean (don't forget, under the canisters and such), sweep/spot check the floor, and THEN return to reconcile the laundry. Why aren't we all just wearing disposable scrubs? Okay one you've rotated, either sit and fold or:

-Pick up twenty things in five minutes.

-Wipe down door knobs (easy!).

-Wash main window.

-Amp up your kids' chores. (I can show you what mine do if that helps.)

-Finally, let today be about floors. I always stress counter tops because I'm taller than the Eiffel Tower so they're all I see, but most of you have smaller children who strew their shit around, and yours, until it feels like that tornado touched down. Enlist the kids in a race, pick everything up, throwing things towards the garage, throwing things away, threatening your kids if they don't make their stuff disappear. Get those floors clean.

-And why does no one send pictures, except that one of Chelsea's desk (where's my after shot?) and Jacob, who makes me want to cry.

How about that gang? Can we dig it?

I'm telling you Pink is where it's at!