Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sunday's Sunny Sermon
It is too fucking hot to ask you guys to clean. Everyone is either pregnant and/or lacks AC, so I just feel like an asshole posting anything other than: Get in the water!
Personally, I got home late last night after an adventure I so wish I could share, and the house was actually cold enough for me to pick up some slack. I wiped, dusted, folded, swept, picked up slivers of Ramen, made my bed, printed out directions to the pedicure party this morning, at which I will be pampering mamas with bad-ass foot treatment, Starbucks, and liberal use of the word 'fuck.' One of my old classmates from Newport High School, whom I haven't seen in 14 years is coming from Newport. Yea!
Thank god for AC in the car.
So listen, for those of you needing a free pass, I'm doling them out, this heat is brutal. For others such as myself who'd sooner gouge an eyeball out than watch the house snickering victoriously, here are some ideas for chores that might not kill you:
-Put crime scene tape over the oven. Eat salad, order out, microwaveable entrees, cold cut sandwiches, anything but the oven.
-Do things that don't require rigorous bending. Swiffering is cool. Wiping counters is cool. Picking up all the toys in your child's room is not cool, unless s/he lives in the freezer.
-If one section of your house is cooler than the rest, go there. Scrub something. Drink something. Drag your laundry in there. Pull a different project in there.
-Only attempt to clean your car very early in the morning and/or if it's in the garage. I failed to mention my car lives in the garage.
-Spray your feet with a standard household spray bottle.
-Wear a wet cloth around your neck.
-Take a cool shower, previously coated in Ajax, and scrub as you dub. I just did this this very morning and felt like a genius.
-Use disposable plates/utensils. Only run the dishwasher at 2am.
Any or all of this will impress. We can resume our dedication later next week. (Except you Mesina, it's raining there, you had better work your ever-loving expatriate ass off! And then rest and call me!)
Let's get a sloshing start!