Sunday, August 23, 2009
Super Sized Sunday
Um, may I just point out that even God took a day of rest but that Karinda had a human being come out of her vagina and she's posting away as if she merely ran to the store. Christ lady, you wore me out waiting, and you're all casual now. So I'm not cutting you any slack. I promised you bathrooms whenever you want, but other than that I'm cracking the whip!
Today I need to focus on deep cleaning otherwise I feel scabies burrowing into the cracks and into my kids' beds and whatnot.
It shall go something like this:
-Whine for a Starbucks coffee and act like a beached whale until Todd relents.
-Text him while he's in line to ask for a blueberry muffin too (he LOVES that!).
-Wait until the jolt hits, like a power surge, while he watches SpongeBob and I contemplate the likelihood that he's retarded.
-Jump up and declare that everyone must be cleaning or else. I'll fold the blankets, make the beds (strip the sheets, etc.), get laundry humming, bleach sinks, thrash around from my high, write lists like a mo'fo', ignore the serious of eye rolls, turn on iTunes, deaf to the screams of pro-SpongeBob protest, and blurt out random, impossible tasks until Todd announces that he and the kids are leaving. It's our Sunday ritual. Then my emotional kite falls to the ground, and I scour my playlists for anything that will supplement my coffee and get me going.
-I start in the kitchen because it's central and always unacceptable no matter what I do. I will bleach the garbage can, the linoleum, scrub the refrigerator, dishwasher, stove top, microwave, then switch the bleach to tthe other side of the sink. (I found my stopper! I had taken it to someone else's house to use.)
-Next I will attack cobwebs and if I see a spider I will call 911.
-After this comes wiping down lamps, followed by ordering Mr. Magic to wipe the walls, which need to be painted again so it is already futile and yet I will do it anyway.
-I will hang our US map to hide the scratches on the wall and feel amazing for thinking of that.
-I will scrub the bathroom floors on my hands and knees.
-I will clean windows.
-At last I will have a massive panic attack from the coffee and take a Xanax, and say nothing of this when Karen says let's go have coffee. I'll just tell her I'm on meth.
For those of you who haven't deserted me:
-Feed your crippled chickens, if you're Sam.
-Today let's work on closets. Pick two. Bring a garbage bag. Throw things out, rearrange, find bins/caddies, dust while you're in there, hang jackets in descending order on white hangers only please. Pretend people look in there. Can you afford a shoes hanger? They will rock your world. If anyone shops at Walmart don't tell me but that's the sort of thing you can get there for like 2 cents. Any other closet. Hall, kids' room, your room. They key is to throw shit away. Then organize in order of priority, then condense, then stack. It's the best. You know, colour-coding your clothes never hurt anybody either.
-One quick de-clutter and you is done. Bathrooms yesterday, closets today, oh what bliss is in store next? As if you all listen to me. I'm just the Queen Consort. But I love you.
(Truth be told, these are the Chicks I'd like to have wander into my house please.)
For Amy, who asked about bleaching the sinks. This is like two cups of bleach (the straight stuff, I'm nor green), filled up with scalding hot water, and you can see my magical blue stopper in there, as well as that stupid decorative flowery thing, which I leave in so as to sparkle too. The water stays hella hot for a long time so I use tongs to remove the stopper then switch to the other side, and just rotate sinks throughout the day. Even the kids notice! (I do recommend scrubbing them out a bit first, like toothpaste globs and soap drops and whatever.) But this is what it looks like, please excuse the chips in the porcelain: