Thursday, September 24, 2009

Full-Throttle Thursday


It happens to everyone, those glorious, punch-you-in-the-stomach words: "So and so is coming on Thursday." The house instantly feels on the verge of being condemned and in my case, becomes absolutely furry with dust. Gail help!

Todd's BFF is arriving late tomorrow from Hawaii, and he doesn't give a flying fuck about the house, as he spent the better part of nine years in an ohana, but it's not really about him is it, it's about me.

Furthermore Todd's birthday is Friday so in between cleaning Marionette's house to showroom status, I will try to fool Sonny into believing he is at the Ritz. I'm crazy like that.

My list for today, which I am starting now is as follows:

-Entire house, duh.

-Kitchen, the whole OCD shebang.

-Have Quinn vacuum, including the yard.

-Shop vac my Jeep which Sonny will never see.

-Steal missiles from the US military to shoot the fucking world map into the wall, omg it's my nemesis.

-Accidentally vacuum up everything in my kids' room except the beds and dressers.

-DUST x 1,000,000. And cry. But not on the dust because that creates a film.

-Relocate all Todd's knick-knack-paddywhack bullshit on the porch into the amazing totes I bought tonight. He previously balked and I presently don't give a shit and I'm doing it.

-Transform our little media shit hole next to the computer into a feng shui mini paradise of minimalism that no one will ever notice. This will include, but not be limited to, deciphering 700 different iPod chargers.

-Scouring the laundry room/entryway and apologizing profusely that our laundry room is our entryway even though he has been here before.

-Clean refrigerator inside and out, even though Sonny and Todd will dine out exclusively for the duration of the visit.

-Clear and scrub counters. Maybe six times. It's been known to happen.

-Cautiously traverse the treacherous region known as the back bedroom, which boasts a wonderful new $200 comforter he won't see, curse the amplifiers everywhere, and clear off vanities while scrubbing the sinks.

-Oh yeah, scrub the bathrooms.

Know that his flight will likely be canceled and slit my throat.

SOME THOUGHTS FOR LESS BRUTAL STANDARDS:


-Back to basics.

-Clean your stove, and something you may not know is that most knobs are removable and if you pull those suckers off and clean underneath, you will do a cartwheel, I'm not kidding. While you're at it, get the range hood, Windex the oven door, pull the drawer out and give it a whirl, and scrape scrape-able shit off the stove top. Maybe two cartwheels, or maybe you'll hate me. I'm used to it.

-This is so excellent: Go clean out your glove compartments. Bring a bag. Even I have too much crap in mine, so I know you do. And for those who have only their owner's manual and registration, you suck and need to at least have some wipes in there.

-Clean off all your neglected red-headed step-child cords everywhere you can. Blech they get hella gross. I mean tv, computer, fans, you get it.

-Do you have stairs? Sweep and/or wipe them. If they are carpeted, I'll let you off with sweeping the crumbs and particles down rather than vacuuming because Friday I will be vacuuming enough stairs for all of us.

-If you're still alive pick one cupboard in your kitchen to organize. I am told this is much more fun with a label maker but tough shit for those us without one. Few things are as gratifying as opening a door to be greeted by order and well, order. On second thought, like 28935729394835 things are more gratifying but try to do it anyway.

Today's song: Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride. Do it.

6 comments:

  1. I swear I'm here! Ok, so like Tuesday I cleaned like a bitch on speed and since then have kept up with the basics and suddenly today when my mind casts on my man coming home Sunday....suddenly....THE PLACE IS A FUCKING MESS! *pant pant wheeze* what happened?!? Like, the kids hate my guts or wot?!

    I know, I have until Sunday, but a little reminder that A) I work weekends. *sigh* and B)I also want time to bake a carrot cake for my man's return with cream cheese frosting. (only pregnant women do this shit) So, I will have to clean like a mo fo Friday, do some baking and then bake the cake Saturday for his Sunday return. Then smile all lovingly and pretend to be the best ever woman ever in the whole entire universe la la....la.

    Not only that, but I ventured out into the garage today and there was creepy horror music as soon as I opened the door. I was met by....by...a HUGE pile of MASSIVE dirty LAUNDRY! I fainted, screamed, cussed, kicked the laundry basket and asked myself how much money we had, surely I could just throw it all out and buy new clothes? Right? That's normal! Hate laundry.

    Watch this space tomorrow, cos today I did basics and did my online grocery shopping and planned the weeks dinners. omg.

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  2. i only have a used straw wrapper and registration in my glove box. i need to get some wipes, especially for when you're in my car imitating old faithful.

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  3. Mesina-I love bitches on speed and am even risking Mass Panic Attack 2009 by making coffee because my list is like the grim fucking reaper today. I love you saying mo fo, but I hate carrot cake. I laughed so hard when you fainted, screamed, cussed and kicked the laundry basket, ha ha ha. You're doing great mama o'my child, and trust me, when that man walks in, he won't even see the house. ;)

    Debe-It would be nice if you specified that I spit my water out and choke to death constantly because you're such a bitch you're always funny as hell right when I'm drinking, lest people think I'm peeing in your goddamn car you jerk. Thanks. Get your ass here.

    Washer's going, coffee's brewed, protein shake sucked down way too fast, belongings multiplied in the night, thisclose to turning Mmmbop on continuous loop. Stand back!

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  4. First off, LOL about your smart ass reply yesterday because actually, yes, I did do a little painting; very little though.

    Today my focus was washing socks for Steve and my car. I had just vacuumed it and had moved on to washing it when Steve pulled up. My clean van made his car look sooooo shabby that I couldn't NOT wash it! He got the econo-wash though, hehe! Now I'm going to go work on stuff for school. . .never a dull moment!

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  5. Dawna-I read that as "My focus was washing Steve's socks," and I'm like, "Wtf does he do to his socks?" So you really did paint yesterday, you indefatigable bitch! Whatever, you're lying. Keep it up, you could inherit the Moxie throne.

    Today sucked some ass being that I went to bed when my company left at 5am, and arose at 6:30 to texts from people I love (but whom I loathed at 6:30am) who didn't know I'd gotten so little sleep.

    My list today, in preparation for Sonny's arrival made Manic Cleaning Saturdays look like Siesta Saturdays. No joke, even I was like, "Who is I, god?"

    But I got it all done bitches, everything. Everything bleached, scrubbed, washed, emptied, organized, dusted, rearranged, things hung up, laundry baskets are starving, all floors gleaming, you could cereal out of the toilet, but please don't because that's super disgusting and I would hate you. I even, and this brings tears, gutted my kids' room like a trout and got it looking so marvelous the angels sang. Praise be to Debe for sitting with me while I dashed around like a streak, apologizing, to which she replied with various brusque comments masking her immense love for me. (Ha ha ha bitch.)

    Then we went to the Olive Garden, in which I dared her to ask for crayons, and she did, so my punishment was to eat my dinner using butter knives as chopsticks. I think we need counseling.

    After this I got all 2346130585 things on the list for Todd's birthday, including having Susannah over to bake his cake in the middle of the night while he picked up Sonny. Just as she tected she was hauling ass, hope there are no cops, she gets clocked at like 4,000mph and get bitch-slapped with a $500. Obviously I have to kill myself. And Todd had better love his cake or I'm taking his out too.

    I have but one small basket of laundry to fold before flat lining, waking at 4:30 to hang his decorations, then march off to Marionette's to work my magic there so that they may sell, all before Todd's big dinner. Stress? I eat it for breakfast. No wait, that's Xanax. Whatevah, I'm proud of myself and owe my life to Susannah, Debe, and a cool friend who jumped my Jeep when it died just to test my will to live, which was fading.

    But damn, I can get some shit done.

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  6. Um:

    texted*

    ticket*

    ass*

    Okay okay so I'm tired.

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