Thursday, September 24, 2009
It happens to everyone, those glorious, punch-you-in-the-stomach words: "So and so is coming on Thursday." The house instantly feels on the verge of being condemned and in my case, becomes absolutely furry with dust. Gail help!
Todd's BFF is arriving late tomorrow from Hawaii, and he doesn't give a flying fuck about the house, as he spent the better part of nine years in an ohana, but it's not really about him is it, it's about me.
Furthermore Todd's birthday is Friday so in between cleaning Marionette's house to showroom status, I will try to fool Sonny into believing he is at the Ritz. I'm crazy like that.
My list for today, which I am starting now is as follows:
-Entire house, duh.
-Kitchen, the whole OCD shebang.
-Have Quinn vacuum, including the yard.
-Shop vac my Jeep which Sonny will never see.
-Steal missiles from the US military to shoot the fucking world map into the wall, omg it's my nemesis.
-Accidentally vacuum up everything in my kids' room except the beds and dressers.
-DUST x 1,000,000. And cry. But not on the dust because that creates a film.
-Relocate all Todd's knick-knack-paddywhack bullshit on the porch into the amazing totes I bought tonight. He previously balked and I presently don't give a shit and I'm doing it.
-Transform our little media shit hole next to the computer into a feng shui mini paradise of minimalism that no one will ever notice. This will include, but not be limited to, deciphering 700 different iPod chargers.
-Scouring the laundry room/entryway and apologizing profusely that our laundry room is our entryway even though he has been here before.
-Clean refrigerator inside and out, even though Sonny and Todd will dine out exclusively for the duration of the visit.
-Clear and scrub counters. Maybe six times. It's been known to happen.
-Cautiously traverse the treacherous region known as the back bedroom, which boasts a wonderful new $200 comforter he won't see, curse the amplifiers everywhere, and clear off vanities while scrubbing the sinks.
-Oh yeah, scrub the bathrooms.
Know that his flight will likely be canceled and slit my throat.
SOME THOUGHTS FOR LESS BRUTAL STANDARDS:
-Back to basics.
-Clean your stove, and something you may not know is that most knobs are removable and if you pull those suckers off and clean underneath, you will do a cartwheel, I'm not kidding. While you're at it, get the range hood, Windex the oven door, pull the drawer out and give it a whirl, and scrape scrape-able shit off the stove top. Maybe two cartwheels, or maybe you'll hate me. I'm used to it.
-This is so excellent: Go clean out your glove compartments. Bring a bag. Even I have too much crap in mine, so I know you do. And for those who have only their owner's manual and registration, you suck and need to at least have some wipes in there.
-Clean off all your neglected red-headed step-child cords everywhere you can. Blech they get hella gross. I mean tv, computer, fans, you get it.
-Do you have stairs? Sweep and/or wipe them. If they are carpeted, I'll let you off with sweeping the crumbs and particles down rather than vacuuming because Friday I will be vacuuming enough stairs for all of us.
-If you're still alive pick one cupboard in your kitchen to organize. I am told this is much more fun with a label maker but tough shit for those us without one. Few things are as gratifying as opening a door to be greeted by order and well, order. On second thought, like 28935729394835 things are more gratifying but try to do it anyway.
Today's song: Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride. Do it.