Saturday, September 26, 2009

Manic Marionette Saturday!

Marionette is moving to Portland. I know right? Who does she think she is? But I can't blame her, and in fact I'm cleaning her house so they can show it on the weekends. Yesterday was my first day and I had all my supplies standing at attention, and then had the fucked fortune of waking up with a migraine shipped overnight from satan. Now, I can handle serious pain. I can clean in serious pain. And I have never canceled on anyone in my life. But when opening one's eyes causes vomiting I would liken to the plagues and pestilence referenced in the Bible, and there is no such thing as dark enough or quiet enough and the air is too loud, it is time to text Marionette and apologize for being such a strung-out unreliable douche. I lay like that all day. It was fantastic. I am so glad I cleaned like a fiend yesterday, though there was one piece of lint on the carpet three feet away that bothered me so much I almost gnawed my tongue off but I passed out instead. I worried and puked all day about letting her down and texted Bethany until she fled Salem asking if Marionette hates me now. She was sweet and incredulous that I would care so much, and assured me Marionette didn't.

So this morning is my chance to redeem myself. After my personal chores I shall march over and turn her house into a showroom even though I don't actually want them to go and am entertaining thoughts of sabotaging...


Just a little busy. The way I like it. Todd's best friend from Hawaii is here, and we love him to bits and he's staying in the master bedroom and it doesn't bother me at all that he leaves the bed like this during the day, especially since it would be hella rude of me to make it. Nope, I just smile and feel endeared to the Maui mentality that nothing matters, not even my new comforter:

That's it, after the joint is sparkling I can go moonlight as a the most in-demand piercer around.


-Break down the basics so it's not so overwhelming. Keep dishes on the left, keep the stove top clean, wipe down the counter as your Brita is filling up, sweep the floor, de-clutter, all a bit at a time. As for laundry, shit you guys I just don't know. Make kids fold, unless you have OCD. I knew someone who threw each person's clothes into a vertical pile on the back of the couch to prevent lots of wrinkles and to group them. It's a cheat but hell.

-Focus on floors. Sweeping, mopping, edging, bathrooms too, and then vacuum.

-Peek in that hall closet and make sure you see all white hangers, coats hanging, things orderly.

-Wipe door knobs.

-Anyone else change sheets on weekends?

-Make the most of every movement. There is so much you can be doing while doing something else. And so many things that you'll thank yourself for later just as you walk through your house (ie-picking up evil lint).

Also I hear Dysons are on the brink of achieving world peace. We should all get one.

Let me know, ha ha ha. As if. See you Monday!


  1. Dysons are indeed on the brink of world domination! Mr. Dyson kindly reminds me of this every time I turn him on...ooh baby
    Migraines...SUCK ASS! I get them, thankfully not as frequently as I used to, but still the odd one gets to me and like you I throw up. I wear sunglasses in the house and I lay in bed darkening the room to it's full potential like some sort of weird vampire woman. Anyone who enters gets the vampire moan and I shrivel at the sight of light...''NOOOO!!! It burns! IT BURNS!'' It's pretty fucking evil.
    Today I just blogged and worked and thought all about the brownies we made last night and fantasize about enjoying one after lunch. Just one. Not 4. Every thought of mine between that is just Maurice coming home tomorrow. TOMORROW!!! *thud*
    Wish I was local, I'd come rub your head in the dark room in silence and make that migraine go away. And your post response to me was hilarious, even though you were in pain. Sausage rolls, homemade ones are totally not eww. Greasy store bought or fish and chip shop ones are freaking gross though.
    LOVE YOU! ♥

  2. get a new f-ing pen made me hella ♥ you even more you selfish jerk.

    as for cleaning, i am moving because my house is just THAT disgusting. i have sixteen comforters made into little beds all over the god damn house, two sinks full of dishes(WHAT?!), a random stroller hanging out in the kitchen, and my room smells like dirty socks. come over.

  3. Mes-"IT BURNS!" made me offically incontinent. OMG why do you say everything in the funniest way possible? Eating one brownie is shit. Well eating any brownies is shit because I don't like chocolate but I suppose others are entitled to satisfy their own palates. That said, I am a fan of four over one. I will kick you off my blog if you ever say sausage roll again okay? So are we cleaning or just pen pals? Get on it! Just kidding, love you, do whatever you want, "IT BURNS!"

    Dawna-You deserve a Dyson with all you do. You also deserve a million dollars. I don't know what to say, you deserve all things indulgent. <3

    Debe-OMG someone reads the lists? Score! Is it even possible for us to love each other more? Christ. I had my head in your sweatshirt so many times last night I kind of expected flowers this morning you thoughtless bitch.

    You move, yous dead. I think if I can break 400 laws for you I can wash some dishes and fold soem comforters. Wait. Did Land touch them? Okay yeah, our amazing brunch, orchestrated perfectly to make me a goddamn hero, tanked because men care more about Jeeps than life itself so I'm on my way.

    Meanwhile, I woke up so motherfucking hella early to make amends for ditching Marionette with my inaugural migraine yesterday I was sick to my stomach and pissed and wore the wrong bra and lasdhfuasdhf;ashf.

    BUT! It was amazing. She and Corey were there, they knew just what they needed, I had all my supplies, and because their house is 5,000,000% tile, I scrubbed 3475234813048510405346581735 miles of grout. It was totally zen. I could feel my OCD synapses writing me thank you cards. I killed the kitchen, the bathroom, various shit, and met my obligation in the allotted 2.5 hours. I was on a serious endorphin rush when I left and was totally going to climb Mt. Krakatoa except for the bra. Now in addition to my list I am going to clean my car/RV/apartment.

    I mean holy shit, I have seven outfits, because one must always be prepared to stay over, three kinds of lotion, Febreze, two beach blankets, flip flops, a nice shirt in case I suddenly get a burning desire to like apply for a job? A bag of cleaning supplies in case I am beckoned like Mighty Mouse to a random cleaning job, four things of Bath & Body anti-bacterial gel, enough Sharpies for a Mormon family reunion, pea coat, currently a Kirby vacuum, four books, several scarves, you know, for summer. Also just under one million bobby pins, about that many cds even though Debe lubs me so much she got me the fm transmission thing for my iPod, so there are cords everywhere (fail), every roadside emergency hygience product possible, someone's insulated coffee mug, Jacob's Tupperware, dental picks, and it begged for an interior cleanse.

    So that's where I'm headed, then to Debe's because the earth will fall off its axis if we don't not eat together every single day or something. Plus she loves SHHHOOOOPPPPPPPIIINNGG!

    And has a stroller in her kitchen.

  4. you know i was out of town, so i've been out of the cleaning loop, and there are some things around here that have been neglected. after i get finished with our 5,001 birthday parties, i can get back on the cleaning band wagon. i love seeing your handwritten lists. is that a heart to yourself down in the corner?