Sunday Suggestions

On what is sure to be a grey, uninspired day, I have whipped up a little list of things that will spruce the place up without having to get down and dirty. Ready set go!

-Recycle 40,000 GAP and Old Navy shopping bags wedged in between the drying rack and laundry room wall. No one will ever need that many.

-Get a hand truck (aka dolly) and remove the old washer and dryer set from the back porch that the fucking craigslist guy has yet to take and put it in your neighbour's yard. Leave the basket of gourds which is on top though, for it is seasonally appropriate and may reduce the likelihood of getting shot.

-Sort through the ménage à trois of division, state capital, and Scrabble Slam cards omg omg omg.

-Break your keyboard trying to get the crumb out of it.

-Shovel, pluck, or burn the corn husk bone yard that is a disgusting eye sore in the back yard. How quickly that thing went from riches to rags.

-Use new black throw blankets specifically bought to hide the four Stonehenge amplifiers in the master bedroom, currently covered by assorted towels by some man.

-Clean up the heap of never-straight-again pipe cleaners presently making the dining room table as pleasant to look at as the sun. Then curse all crafts because, while we all feel like wonderful mothers buying them, they suck and fuck up all our hard work and they belong at Grandma's house.

-Scrub purple hair dye off of back bathroom counter.

-Go out to the garage and finally pick up all the things from the bin in the back seat that flew into the front seat during your car accident, ie- Anne Lamott book on the dash board, the beach towel used for the the park on the console, the Febreze under the accelerator, the hand lotion god knows where, the spare outfit in various places, the anti-bacterial wipes between the console and the passenger seat. Gather, place back into bin and maybe put a seat belt over it because (you) have bad fucking luck and will likely get in another accident the very next time (you) drive.

-Deal with the fact that your kids have 32 coats between them, and they love and wear them all, but there are children who have no coats. Also, this may tie into the Old Navy bag epidemic. Possibly address this.

-Force the children to look through the approximately 100 mostly-animated DVDs they never watch because they are no longer in diapers and sentiment will clutter a home faster than anything, and give them away to someone with small children who neeeeeeed to watch Brother Bear 7,945 times each day. Ahhh, drawer space.

-Make a passageway through the landfill storage room a la` Monica Gellar from Friends, so as to straighten the crooked blinds visible only through the singular window out back which faces but one house, on whose wall there are no windows, and would never be noticed by the untrained eye.

What? None of these tasks applies to you? Well blow me down. You can take the day off, or come take this washer and dryer (they work), or you can concoct your own list of obscurities to tackle today.

Oh and to the person who commented on Brilliant Monster about the removal of trace evidence of having Googled haggis, the solution is simple: move.

Have a great day.