Monday, October 12, 2009

Tuesday: Try Me

Some of us are gaining momentum for the week and some of us are scrambling to catch up from everything we didn't do this weekend. Whatever the case may be, here's hoping the following steps will provide enough aesthetic comfort to motivate more detailed (read: tedious, read: crippling) work later.


-Basics bombshell. I want pictures, I want success stories, I want blood. Do it. Jennifer folded nine loads, your asses can too.

-Clear every counter top to the best of your ability. Remove unnecessary items, wipe, say ahhh.

-Put a few random things in your dishwasher, like your toothbrush holders, soap dishes, etc, that shit gets nasty yo.

-Fill one garbage bag with whatever makes you want to avert your eyes as you walk past.

-Ditch all unused, unwanted, or broken appliances, and please come haul the washer and dryer off my porch before I marry my fucking cousin. (Debe please research on the net until you find out that we are cousins.)

-Make your kids pick up everything off the floor and place appropriately.

-Play that funky music white boy.

Tell me something good.


  1. I think that the phone has finally stopped ringing and it's almost safe to say that not one more person wants to know about my birthday. I think.

    Yesterday I did kick some ass on the house and more importantly the laundry. I also managed to clean the bathrooms, vaccum, tidy the kitchen totally, and get the livingroom decent.
    Today I am finishing up the laundry, doing some ironing, having a moment with my floors (aka mopping them) and dusting. I have to stare blankly and pretend the kitchen doesn't exist since we are trying to teach Tahira a little something and NOT DO THE DISHES (omgomgomg I can't handle it..must...clean...dishes....CRAP!) she neglected it and snuck off to bed last night and left her chores of dinner dishes all gross and icky for me. Not happening. We pay her to do this. I was working till 10pm. SHE WILL DO THEM!

    Until then I'll go find my happy place and clean other crap. xx

  2. So Mesina-How was your birthday? What did you do? Was it happy? Did they ding to you? Please dish on all things birthday!!!!!

    How come when you describe wiping, mopping, vacuuming, laundry, ironing (what is that again?), and all your domestic trickery, I feel so soothed and at peace, and when I actually do those very same things and often more (ha ha ha you sloth!) my house feels twelve sizes smaller and so dusty I'd actually call it furry, and evil bits and pieces come out of hiding and scatter themselves martyr-style all around my house until I have no choice but to become Kate Gosselin's evil twin. That's right. Every time you guys describe your achievements, it's like a warm bath for my OCD, and then I look at my own tenement hovel, which has just undergone all of the same tasks, hardcore, and have to flee the scene lest I die?

    Oh. I think I just became the poster child for OCD. Right.

    Well in any case, I thoroughly enjoy your cleaning sprees. And lady, keep your ear tuned to a knock at your door. That's all I'm saying.

    I slept at Debe's and today is my mom's 60th birthday so I had to sneak cake, coffee, and the most awkward fucking arrangement of 60 balloons on earth into her house at like dark o'clock. Then I came home to wash the trash tv off my eyeballs, mind, and soul (it didn't work), and proceeded to empty nine wastebaskets, sweep and Swiff the kitchen, sweep the laundry room, smile at the one pair of Monday undies in the laundry sorter, make kids' chore lists, subtly add to them verbally without their notice ("Oh and please take this Netflix down to the mailbox...oh and can you...") I answered a hella long and important email, threw some shit away, removed my nail polish, and discussed with Todd the most viable options for cities to which to move on our short list. Quinn's suggestion was Kent, I was so goddamned proud. Anyway, yeah. Then I didn't slit my throat (serious kudos, I demand them), and continued to slay all things assaulting my eyes, pretending that my life is not completely falling to bits. Motherfuck.

    More later, I forgot this wasn't my other blog. Sue me. Better yet, CLEAN! <3

  3. i cleaned the shit out of my house today. literally.

    3 loads of diapers. i am thisclose to busting out some disposables and/or giving up my parental rights until sorren is potty trained.

    2 loads of non-diaper laundry.

    cleaned the kitchen, including the spaghetti sauce off the ceiling. it wasn't there two days ago and we haven't had anything with pasta sauce in weeks. what.

    my bathroom, but it's disgusting again.

    emptied then bleached every trash receptacle.

    went maggot hunting with my lysol and vacuum, but all i found were 13 bobby pins, six pennies, two wheat thins, a raisin, and a partridge in a pear tree.

    tried to clean my car but oregon is a bitch and decided to rain. i didn't spend all of 10 minutes straightening my hair this afternoon just to have some rain fuck it up.

    folded 3948593 blankets, all of which are unfolded yet again. why do i bother? i mean, really?

    put the stroller away for the umteenth time. why is it always in the god damn kitchen?

    are your kids even here?

  4. Cheyenne-I've never posted before but I've been reading your ruthless orders for a month or so. Slowly, slowly, slowly they are sinking into my overful brain.
    So to give you little golden stars for the day I thought I'd share what I've done today:
    Cleaned out the fridge. There might have been food from another century in there. Gross.
    Cleaned out the fridge. Ditto to above only frozen. Still gross.
    Washed all downstairs windows. Inside and out. Don't pee your pants-I have those magic windows that you can open from the inside to wash the outside.
    Started organizing desk area to try to find a better system than the one I have going now. Which is nil.
    3 loads of laundry. Folded AND put away-which is saying something as I usually put it in some sort of mountain in appropriate bedrooms.
    Organized the littes' room. Major accomplishment.
    Oh, I ought to introduce myself. I'm Brandy. I've seen your posts on Mamarev and you sometimes make wiseass comments after mutual friends on FB. I have three munchkins that call me Mom-Liam who's 5 and the twins Drew and Brooke who are 20 months.
    Well, that's probably enough for my maiden post. Night.

  5. Debe-Dude, I'm pretty much on bended knee here. I love you so much. You know there are only dusty gasps where laughter once was coming out of my mouth, but I managed a squeak or two reading your list.

    For those who don't know, Debe is insane. Her house is so clean you will shroud yours in shame unless you are Gail. A blanket on the floor is literally the worst you will ever see, though granted cloth diapers = more than I can handle. I am not that good a person.

    Congrats on your laundry, I know it's not your passion, does your doctor know you're hallucinating about spaghetti sauce on the ceiling? I was just in your bathroom this morning and it was hella fine. I think the hand towel was crooked and I hate your t.p. dispenser but that's not your fault. But like, you have to turn around to reach it and then like, yeah, it's fucked. I've been taking it off and keeping on the window sill.

    Maggot hunting got some sort of sound out of me. It made my day, of course nothing you found was divisible by five you selfish douche bag. Has I never taught yous how to clean your car here? This ain't Oakland biotch. Seriously get used to straightening your hair every ten minutes. I actually keep a straightener in my car because my bangs and those fucked up fine hairs crimp and get curly and whatnot. Ugh!

    Blankets suck, and they breed. Remember Kate was like, throwing them down for eight hours?

    Stroller in the kitchen, Chevy Nova on the porch, po-TAY-toh, po-TAH-to.

    Are your kids even here ... you have no idea. You are truly the fabulousest, and for those of you who read, she also drove me home fucking early from her house, helped me sneak into my mom's house and set up her 60th birthday decorations while Mom slept, and then returned later to take me to an appointment. This jerk is so awesome, if anyone gets near her I will sick alligators on your boat.