Wednesday, October 14, 2009

What the Wednesday?

I totally won't go into how judgmental and apparently prude I was even as an elementary school student but during that Monday Marriage Day, Tuesday Toes Day, I absolutely loathed Wednesday hump day because, first, obviously, humping is a disgusting word, a disgusting deed, and hump doesn't start with a W--DUH!

But now I get it. Middle of the week, getting over the hump, yes, I'm slow and yet quick to anger and didn't put that together until I was like 27. But now Wednesday is the official hump, unless you're Sam, whose hump is Friday. Sorry, that's still hell of embarrassing. Also, do not ever use that word as a verb in my presence unless you're referencing a small (not large) dog and an unsuspected leg.

Holy shit I've typed 997 paragraphs.

So back to getting over the hump. I want today to matter.

Yesterday was rather shit, and yet a festive and meaningful 60th birthday por mi madre which was all that matters. I bribed Quinn at 11pm to wash all the dishes and clean the kitchen in exchange for playing Halo, which was brilliant.

I am inspired by the length of Debe's list from yesterday but it's all non-transferable. No one has spaghetti sauce on their ceiling, not even her, and well, if you do, I gurantee there are more pressing matters at hand. Also, no one else imagines maggots, nor considers blankets to be "dirt." (Except me--love you jerk!) So her list is only applicable to her already clean house.

What to do?


-Sweeping/Swiffing the kitchen.

-Making Quinn's chore list.

-Making the bed.

-Windexing all tv and computer screens.

-Scurrying through the house with a lint roller to give the carpet a once-over because Quinn is catching on that the twice-weekly vacuuming for which I pay him extra has become like six or eight or nineteen.

-Folded the last of the laundry.

-Found sheets for the posture-pedic mattress I'm taking to my mom's for the imminent arrival of my beloved older brother Sky and his family. My mom will get to have all of her kids together and if Chris and I don't kill each other maybe we can get a picture.

-Showered. Son of a bitch I hate showering. The process, the wet cold nakedness. Being clean I love, which goes without saying.

-Narrowed outfit selection down to 2852985785 options. I am meeting someone at 10am and have an appointment/visit/I don't know at 1pm.

-I am SO going to try to spend my in-between hour at the capitol building cheering on Senator Wyden, friend of my mom's, in his effort to rally support for health care reform. Wow, this has nothing to do with cleaning.


-Strip naked and spend the rest of the day in my underwear.

-Scrub all baseboards.

-De-clutter, possibly kick it up a notch by throwing recurring shit a-w-a-y.

-Wash all mats.

-Wipe down my microwave.

-Clean freezer (and possibly the refrigerator I promised yesterday and flaked on.)

-Remove as many eye sores as possible so I can (dread) rest. SCREEEAAAMMM!


-Stand in your front doorway and scan your entire front room, big or small, and pretend it's your first impression. What catches your eye? Bits on the carpet? Blankets? (Debe shoots them.) Coats and shoes? Some awkward furniture arrangement? Fix it. All of it. Pick things up, move furniture, fold blankets, dust pictures, burn down the piano, whatever it takes to give you a good feeling instead of an overwhelmed feeling when you walk in, immediately feeling defeated. This can also include hanging things on the wall. Or taking them off.

-Spiff up your kitchen because you know you have to.

-Keep the laundry going because much like the ocean, if you turn your back it will swallow you.

-Sweep all non-carpeted floors.

-Get a box. Walk around your house with a giving spirit and fill it with things you no longer use that might benefit others. Even if you love it. If you're not using it, it's adding to the problem. Anyone who does this, I will pick up your box and take it to the Simonka House in Keizer.

-Find one creative way to organize something. If you don't have a thousand caddies inside caddies like nesting dolls, you're a bitch. No wait, it's okay. Like, stack a couple milk crates in your hall closet for shoes, skates, footballs, mitts, whatever. Or group things into Ziploc baggies. I did this with camera cords, iPod cords, everything, in a stand right next to the computer, and omg I so deserve a $29.99 tiramisu for free.

-Finally, put "lint roller" on your list. If you already have one, wipe off something with it. I so love this.

Please do these. You will feel so good. Perhaps good enought o bring me an orange Vitamin Water. They are so disgusting = delicioso.


  1. OMG I can't even talk about cleaning today! I just spend the WHOLE DAY in TOWN with a TODDLER who was WALKING with me all day while I carried SHOPPING BAGS and begged her to please keep up at the back because Mommy was trying to get this done as QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE to avoid mental and physical overload. She complied. She is the most awesome toddler ever, but I loathe the fact I can't take her out in a stroller anymore. See we have to take trains and shit to town now and it's a whole big ordeal. It's like, train, book it into town, book it round the shops, blow money, resist blowing too much money, sort crap and don't miss train cos they are ONCE AN HOUR. Fucking trains. Fucking living in a village outside of town. I'm moving.

    At any rate tomorrow is kick some house cleaning butt-o-rama so I'll be filling in my goodie two shoes sheet and showing my favorite teacher my A+ report! And if I so get a D I will cry until my hormones wear out. Please remember I'm pregnant, there is no hormone shortage going on here.

    Love, Your Wife x

  2. god, i hate humping and everything to do with it. i almost had to shoot myself when i told you that fucking dog humped my arm the other day. why do i keep saying it?

    as for cleaning? um, ha ha ha. to be continued...

  3. Man, where is the time going? Oh, yeah, kids, school work, cleaning. . .what computer?!

    Yesterday I did well. Today, however, we had a play date and so my productivity ebbed.

    What I DID get done today despite that:

    -made my kitchen sparkle
    -scooped litter box (BLECH!)
    -Took Alissa to school
    -read with Katrina

  4. Mesina-Fucking trains made my day. Fucking being an adjective here, not a verb, ouch!

    Debe-Humping is shit. I hate this boat. I love you and am sorry I'm not sleeping in your bed, my phone wouldn't send texts and I'm never driving again.

    Dawna-Sparklink kitchens? That is all that matters. Litter boxes suck ass, plus you did laundry. A+ as always.

    I awoke to a surge of indifference so I completed various unmemorable things by rote, which I assumed included driving, from which I had been on hiatus. I immediately got into a crash and am in so much pain I am 91 years old. But my brother is coming from CA this weekend so I will get this place shining before then. Ouch ouch ouch.

    Great job guys.