Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Moxie Grime Fighter, Game On!


Straight away I must say that I stole my title from Penn Gillette's daughter, Moxie Crimefighter, arguably the best name in the world. I've been OOC for hell of days, and in reviewing comments I was a) Thankful for the well wishes, this has been one of the wildest rides yet, with my friend's suicide being the cherry on a cake made of shit. b) Sorry that so many of you are sick. We haven't gotten it, but it seems everyone else has and few things are as insurmountable as giving a rat's ass about the house when you're dying of Swine Flu. Except of course to lament the growing mess. I applaud every slow, painful effort toward surviving this misery. c) Amused by the coward who dropped in to voice his/her dissent and indifference about the blog presumably, or maybe me, but was too chicken to give a name and too lame to see that the comment completely nullified itself, lol. So for those of you who do care, let's get this party re-started shall we?

I've been traveling a bit, and I'm guessing that that which infuriates me upon my arrival to the homestead does not apply to you. Nevertheless, here is what this one-armed monkey was faced with today: (By the way, worst OCD moment in recent memory? Having to wash only one hand so as not to get my cast wet. No, shut up. Go do it.)


-An invasion of amplifiers, which have, of course, multiplied, and set up camp in the computer area. Todd thinks if he drapes them in the brightest beach blankets we own I won't notice. So there's that.

-Beds everywhere. Apparently Todd and the kids have regressed back to the days of co-sleeping, with a side of camping, which is great except for the bedding everywhere. Why do blankets feel as unsettling as dirt?

-Netflix everywhere. I mean the literal definition of everywhere. I'm just going to open a Red Box or something.

-Three cups of tea on the stove, undrunk (wtf kind of word is that?), two of which left rings on the stove top.

-My clothes, in various stages of the evolutionary process to cleanliness.

-Throw pillows askew, and an unfolded blanket on the couch. Grrr...

-I saved the worst for last: "Todd where are the Kirkland wipes?" "We're out." FML! Thank god and everything else for lemon-scented Lysol, so I could wipe everything down.


-Fixing my family's new endeavor to become squatters.

-Scrub the kitchen floor with one hand; the stupid, worthless, one.

-Scrub the garbage can.

-Empty all wastebaskets.

-Sweep bathroom floors.

-Sweep/scour laundry room floor.

-Do all laundry.

-Get rid of 85 of the 100 garments I own. I'm not kidding. When 200 hangers ain't enough, you can pretty much blame yourself for at least one impoverished nation.


-Curse dusting.

-Check for cobwebs.

-Answer (let me check...) eleven emails.

-Mail something.



You can also:

-Murder your dishes and laundry. You cannot allow inanimate objects to best you.

-De-clutter, organize, and vacuum your living room.

-Get medieval on your bathroom(s). Ajax in the tub, toilet, sink, scrub in reverse order, toss mats in the wash, sweep floor, bleach never hurt anywhere, and don't forget the mirrors. Remember to check your toothbrush holder too, those things get hella nasty.

-Wipe doorknobs/handles, do an anti-swine Flu dance or something.

-Do it all with your non-dominant hand.

Okay make me proud!


  1. Love, absolutely love, that indomitable spirit of yours. Maybe down, but NEVER out. We all think the world of you!

    For some unbeknownst reason I'm reminded of the lyrics "Rikki, don't lost that number..."

    Back to the grindstone!

  2. i kleeeeeeeened! but you hella can't even tell.

    i even wiped all doorknobs n shit and am waiting for you to get back to do the anti-swine flu dance with me.

  3. WOOOOO!! Welcome Back!
    DAMN! I swear I spent today thinking about you so much that I felt like my house was poking at me. . .so I went outside.
    What can I say, the weather was decent so I made the best of it.
    I also vacuumed the fireplace room, folded one load of laundry, and did the dishes.

    Tomorrow. . .if it's nice I will be outside lawn mowing. . . I'm just saying! ;-)

    One more thing I'd like to say today, "FUCK ANONYMITY!"
    With al due respect (if any i due,) thank you for your input "anonymous" but really, if you have something worth saying, take pride in it! Otherwise, take it elsewhere. I like to know who's here reading and responding . . .

  4. Anonymous- Thanks. Not even down. These idiots are just broadcasting the lengths to which they'll go not to clean right? And none of them can afford to lose a second, I'll tell you, least of all the really bored, lesser-included one with as much courage and brains as a cork. WhatEVER. But yeah thanks, what have you cleaned, besides your slate with me (almost)? ;)

    Jerk- How can there be so many things wrong with your two-line answer? Um, you just heard my barbaric rant at Car'l B. Klean about misspelling things needlessly omg. I do appreciate the door knobs n shit, after that meeting, and the mayonnaise. I will remind you that I do not dance without liquor and I know longer drink because holy fucking shit, there are things worse than dancing, and they all happen at your house. But no I know you cleaned, and your reward is in heaven. Perhaps someone will send you a picture of it.

    Okay, I'm not home, which may seem liberating, but I make up for my lack of routine by arranging my stuff 700 times, and make everything around me neat, and use lots of wipes for general and Swine Flu purposes. But I cleaned a lot before I left, so that means I'll also clean a lot when I get back, lol.

    Nice to see you guys. :)

  5. Dawna- Wow, that took balls--something those lurking behind the mask of anonymity have never had. Don't give it a thought, if you knew what desperate, self-important, useless trash were wasting their precious minutes to brandish their stupidity, you would laugh with me, and we could have that drink!

    Way to go with the cleaning, and for being so rad, damn.

  6. ok whoa, thank God you are back woman! I'm nearly mended so expect a call at some stage this week. Whenever I can just sit down for a moment of peace and phone :)

    Oh have I been cleaning! I've sorted shelves, dusted, vaccumed, cleaned the kitchen top to bottom, cleaned the bedroom, sorted the kids room out, cleaned animals, cleaned the garden (uh huh yeah!), mopped, chucked shit out, sorted, folded, laundry, put away.....can I...I....dance around the house naked now?! OH YEAH BABY!
    Basically I've cleaned everything since Monday, so the house is almost so clean you could eat off the floors (I said almost, I will not be held accountable for shit eaten off my floors and people getting sick or some crap....but almost is good right?!)
    I would invite the Obamas over in a heartbeat...it's that awesome. xx