Friday, December 4, 2009

Manic Christmas Cleaning Saturday

Okay bitches (and yes Dobby, that includes you, we've been over this no?), we've got to get our nuts crackin' on this whole cleaning/christmas combo. 20 days and counting, and the stress, packages, and tinsel will only mount unless we keep a handle on some serious multi-tasking.

In fairness, Moxie doesn't celebrate christmas at home, per a highly irregular circumstance involving cohabitating with the very affable, yet anti-christmas father of pro-christmas children. So you know Joe, we celebrate the baby Jesus, and commercialism, at my mom's house, true christmas mavericks we are! Sorry, was inspired by my son's spot-on Sarah Palin impersonation. Anyway, most of the burden is on Mom, who enlists Reilly to pick/decorate/maintain the tree, set up christmas village, and until this year when we lost our dear, deaf, clumsy old Jack, keeping the dog out of the tree. So my responsibilities are pretty much restricted to buying gifts (possibly my favourite thing on earth), ignoring how much sugar and how little sleep Reilly gets while at my mom's helping, and taking my kids shopping. Since they were about four and five, they've saved all their own money, made their own lists, arranged their own rides, and bought every member of our family amazing gifts which they wrap surreptitiously in wrapping paper they buy themselves and hide in their room. My kids' secret wrapping session, behind closed doors, with Daft Punk blasting, has become one of my most beloved traditions.

So yeah, no tinsel in this freak's house. No way. Love the Todd loophole!

But I know the rest of y'all have to drag those needly bastards through your already-hard-to-maintain homes, then yank all the tattered boxes out from hiding, and really, the mess just grows from there. But it's worth it once it's done, and then it's christmas! I will confess to feeling equal parts love and hatred for christmas. I love tradition, knowing the giving is more important to my kids than the receiving, but also watching them receive--holy shit I've stricken some retail gold this year--the music, the lights, the 2% upgrade in people's overall mood, figuring out to bring Starbucks and breakfast sandwiches to Mom's en route, rather than throw a tantrum because my kids have eaten 700 Rocher balls in the first hour, prompting Mom to disappear into the kitchen to cook. That was a shitty pattern. I'm glad I figured that out. But I hate the stress, the mess, the excess, the emphasis in my mind of all the people going without food, while I'm buying Lego-shaped iPod docking stations you know? Not to mention, anything you're heavy-hearted about gets underlined with five black Sharpies at christmas. Traditions changed by life's sucker punches, those pangs are felt hard right now. This year we've lost relatives, old friends to suicide, our beloved Jack, Todd's job, organs, 95% faith in humanity, locally at least, and not as much weight as was hoped, so it can be a struggle not to dwell sometimes. But mostly I'm sad for others, in love with my children, and trying to keep the mess to a dull roar.

And I know you are as well.

Today I am at a friend's house, where circumstances have been tough and we need an emotional and over all clean sweep. My home is under control, so I can share the wealth you know?

My priorities for today are:

-Pour clothes down the washer's gullet over and over. It is a time for feasting...and feast it shall...

-Cleanse every dish, surface, cupboard, stove top, and all appliances.

-Dust. It's a massive house, I'd appreciate it if you were all extremely impressed. Thanks.

-Polish wood--doorways, spindles, trim. It's a nice house you see...

-Scrub all linoleum on my hands and knees.

-Wash all mats.

-Clean both bathrooms, including bath-crayon-drawn snail which has been on thr front shower since god was a child.

-Find brilliant places in which to hang hell of laundry, since their dryer decided to go on christmas break like one day after we gave our perfectly good one away.

-Polish fixtures--hooray!

-Strip/re-make all beds.

-Spot treat carpets, hopefully remove evidence of a spirited and creative toddler who sometimes throws tortillas about, while other times call for one of those bad-ass HUGE black permanent markers that are like a Sharpie on steroids.



-Delicately address the issue of one room looking like the Toys R Us warehouse, but is never opened or used, lol.

-Download the best music of all time, from a website Debe turned me onto--every imaginable song FREE and not some shitty weak streamed bullshit.

-Go grocery shopping and then to Target to scout out christmas decorations that don't suck. We kept meaning to get some cool stuff at Bridgeport yesterday but we froze to death instead.

-Hair cuts, at least for the guys.

-Make ziti! Eat ziti!

Meaningful Manic Mentionables:

-Dishes. Check.

-Washing machine. Check.

-Dryer. Check. Be thankful you have a dryer.

-Clear your kitchen surfaces, herding your errant dishes, be they from the counter top or the rest of the house (bad!), to the left side of the sink, soaking pans, wiping down counters, stove top, cupboard faces really quickly.

-Fixtures if you're really feeling it.

-Rotate laundry.

-"Oh (kid), please unload the dishwasher."

-Sweep non-carpeted floors.

-Use a damp cloth to wipe wooden trim/doorways.

-Do a 10-minute de-clutter race throughout the house, hopefully throwing most debris away, but putting captured things away away away!

-Dust tvs/dvd players/gaming systems/computers/cords.

-Buy a cord organizer for yourself for christmas. Works on kids.

-Pick a spot for your tree/menorah, locate blanket/tapestry/throw in case of tree.

-Get out ornaments if you haven't already.

-Keep a lint roller handy for daily pine needle insanity.

-Find three extraneous items, big or small, which do not deserve to be taking up space in your house.

-Rotate laundry, dishes if necessary.

-Sit down with your coffee and lunch (must not forget to eat) and start facebooking, you know you want to. What is the allure, ugh?

-Anyone getting a jump on shopping? Post your scores!

Enjoy your weekend.


  1. ziti! ziti! ziti!

    i hate that effing snail.

  2. /\
    What??. . .

    Can I puleeeeaaase come to your mom's house with you guys???

    Things are nothing short of crazy around here and only getting crazier. Katrina has play rehearsals for a play that opens on January 8th and it's getting time consuming and intense. Top that with DH's complaining. . .

    Anyway, I cleaned the kitchen before we left, came home three hours later and it had already begun to get messy again. UGH!

    Presently I'm in a downward spiral of bad attitude and if I'm not careful it's going to consume me. That said, suffice it to say that little gets done when I feel like this. . .

  3. P Freezy-Ziti, Thompsons, same diff. Why is there a falling hazard everywhere we go?

    Dawna-Yes! Come one come all. I'm so sorry the season has you feeling down. While common, it doesn't hurt any less. We must follow through with our visit. You coming here or are we meeting there? I'd love to see the city I no longer recognize. You're welcome here anytime.

    I got my entire list completed, with help, natch. Then I wasted all the time I saved by busting ass procrastinating about my shower. (Yawn.)

    We've all worked plenty hard today.