Sunday, December 6, 2009

Merciful Monday

Oddly, I feel as though my stupefying success at pre-hysteria-shopping equals easing up on your Monday. I am practically high on a series of retail coups that have given me the edge on christmas. Take that christmas!

Yesterday, in preparation for taking my kids and two teenagers shopping, I:

-Changed the sheets/made the bed.

-Wiped down the bathroom.

-Put away all my clothes.

-Got ready in 11.5 seconds.

-Loaded up the tail end of a load of dishes.

-Kept an iPod, an iPhone, an EnV, and a camera, all safe/straight/working all day, not to mention mediating the delicious, ongoing Israeli-Palestinian-like conflict between my children over the home cell phone. Joy of joys, take my word.

Today I'm on the road so my line is being towed by my dutiful (bribed) children, Todd, and the good people I'm fortuitous enough to know, who will stand in line at Borders to get that one thing I have to have, because my current location can boast a Fred Meyer at best.

On the road, the greatest cleaning challenge is keeping the car clean. I have no idea why this is, since people don't typically deviate from their regular habits just because they're in a car. Except they do. For some reason, though I vacuum my car weekly and wipe it down daily, when I travel, even in someone else's car, I amass approximately 15 Dasani bottles each day. However, there are also straw wrappers everywhere, plus like pennies that have dove onto the floorboard, napkins, bobby pins, and invariably, something sticky. So I'm on serious patrol, as I get really cranky when the car is full of shit, and I disengage from the vacation. I recommend everyone ratcheting up his/her vigilance about the car.

For those of you whose homesteads are a bother today:

-The basics. Big time.

-Sweep/Swiff/wipe entryway.

-Clean your coffee/espresso makers.

-Clean out your refrigerator. Toss out old food. No, you're not going to eat that, and then remove the shelving and wash it in the sink. Wipe everything out and re-stock the refrigerator. This is an amazing pre-season pick-me-up.

-Bleach your kitchen sink.

-Confront and/or reconfigure your holiday list and get one thing checked off.

This is an exceedingly doable almost-christmas Monday cleaning list, come on!*

(*Disclaimer: It is almost incomprehensible to post about cleaning while everyone in the room is watching Dane Cook. While I am reasonably certain I pulled it off, I am slightly worried that everything I typed was racist or sexist or x-rated.)


  1. But what if I want to eat that? How do you know? Have you seen my fridge?!?!?!?!

    Oh...that was a general statement not aimed directly at me *blush* *COUGH* Annnnnyway...

    Today I beat the shit outta my laundry I actually heard it scream like a sissy girl. Oh yeah. There's still more, but I'm so pumped from how much I got done I'm actually looking for things to wash. It's like that. With chips. This virtually never happens to me since me and laundry go way back on the whole hate war thing.
    I also cleaned my kitchen, vaccumed, and picked up crap, and vaccumed crap and even vaccumed the kids crap which basically meant Mr Dyson was staring at me toward the end seemingly pissed off. I'm not sure. I honestly thought he loved our long sessions but today he glared at me once we crossed the threshold that is the Kids' room. He did however rise to the challenge even if only with half a humm.
    That said tomorrow is more laundry and some ironing! (please, control your excitment.. waaay to much stimulation)

  2. Mes-I <3 that you write just as you speak. I do this as well but apparently neither my spoken voice nor written voice registers as charming in my community anymore. All the more reason to move to London. But I need a flat with room for a dryer, and you know, preferably inside your flat. God, cruising our old neighbourhood today sent me reeling. 20 years I've known you, and I'm immeasurably better for it.

    Beating the shit out of laundry is the best. Also, I am stealing "It's like that. With chips." You forfeited your rights to it by posting it on my blog.

    Cleaning like a madman until Mr. Dyson gets pissed earns you the highest honours here. "Half a humm" is sheer genius, and why aren't we collaborating?

    You lost me at ironing, but I love you. Ever heard of a telephone?

    Today I watched the sunrise in beautiful Newport, having gotten zero sleep due to the accommodations at the EconoLodge rivaling those of Guantanamo Bay. The toilet ran all night, the impact of which you cannot imagine, and it was FREEZING. So much so that the manager bought heaters at WalMart and gave one to each complaining icicle boarder except me. Fantastic. I ditched that shit hole and moved on up, like The Jeffersons to the La Quinta, arguably Newport's finest lodging. Oh man.

    I texted the kids to prod them towards chores, did some christmas shopping, cleaned out the car, photographed every significant inch of Lincoln County, ran into seven people I know, and sorted wet hot tub laundry from regular laundry, whereupon I discovered that I am a) out of underwear, and b) going straight to a doctor's appointment back in Salem from here, and all I have left is a sweater and a night gown. Shit, I'll be in the laundry room all night. But if I have to wear a night gown, so be it. This trip has been amazing.