Saturday, March 27, 2010

Super Succinct Saturday.

Straight off, sorry I've been slacking on the comments. This blog doesn't notify me when comments post so I don't always remember to check. But I see many of you have been hard at work. And some new faces too: Kasondra, Danna, Nina. Then there's Dawna who could not possibly do all that she claims, but I think we should be sensitive because (shhhh...) she's a pathological liar and probably fragile. Nah, she's just fucking amazing and also an incredible mama and also GOING TO SCHOOL and her van is clean!!!


Okay so how about this Saturday business? I'm pretty sure my Saturday lists/expectations have blown a few ISPs. As I stated in my maiden post, I have some advantages that most of you don't have, plus bleach running through my veins and a brain like a locomotive, only instead of "choo-choo" it says "scrub scrub." It's a double-edged sword for sure but for the purposes specified in this blog, I hope my compulsion will inspire, reassure, validate, and just keep you going, so that (CHIEF OBJECTIVE) your house is never one insurmountable shit hole. Just as small purchases add up to quickly become $1,000 at Target, so too do seemingly little chores around the house help to keep that shit-tastrophe at bay.

Cleaning your house in an hour. Yes, you heard me. An hour.

Ready? Get your coffee, get your music going, set your timers (yes, the above is the timer I use), and check this shit out:

-1. Start your first load of laundry, do all necessary rotating.

-2. Enlist those chilluns. This mess is largely their fault after all! :)

-3. Okay, set your timers for 20 minutes and load your dishwasher, soak remaining dishes in the left side of the sink, especially pans. Wipe your counters, not foresaking the filthy underbellies of your seemingly docile toasters, canisters, etc. Possibly fill the right side of your sink with hot water and bleach. Wipe down all appliances, grungy spots, sweep and Swiffer your floors, and if your main counter is in the kitchen, stack everything that is imperative and stick a paper clip on it, and throw the rest away, giving the kids ONE warning to come retrieve Legos, drawings, crayons worn to nubs...If you have roll-over minutes, you may apply them to:

-4. Yep, the Ajax. This takes three minutes, so cry me a river. Sprinkle it generously in as many bathrooms as you have, leaving one toilet available, because invariably, everyone in your family, my family, and Dawna's family will need to use your bathroom before you get back to clean.

-5. 20 more minutes: Summon the most ferocious hurricane of mess-hating rage and tackle each bedroom in however many increments will work in 20 minutes. If you don't get every little LPS saddle, fine. Scoop up laundry, dishes (God forbid!), misplaced items, make beds, straighten things like a fiend, wipe down anything sticky, cart the dud off to the laundry room.

-6. Rotate clothes and throw in the load you just acquired. Again, this is off the clock. These are the basics.

-7. Remember the loos? Well set another 20 and skip to your loo (sic) with an abrasive scrubber, a dry wash cloth to wipe fixtures because it's amazing, and follow this sequence: Scrub sinks, wipe down counters, possible arrange toothbrushes if you feel confident time-wise, tubs and showers next, checking to see if your vinyl liners are pink for positive. If so, throw them in the direction of the laundry room. Next up, toilets. this isn't bad as it seems. Brushes can suck it, do it by hand. Check your mats. Are they asking to be washed? If so, throw them atop the liner and sweep the floor quickly. If the timer has been kind, Windex the mirror, yes! Also, if you only did a lackluster job in the tub, you can always fill it with hot water and bleach.

-8. Rotate laundry. Liners on warm with a splash of bleach. Don't forget not to dry them. I get a lot of "oops" texts, lol.

-9. Ready for another 20? Start in the scariest corner of your house and remove/straighten/hide/wipe everything you wouldn't want fancy company to see. Work your way through the house, minus the bedrooms, who are quivering in fear. Fold blankets, tell the kids AGAIN that their toys go in their rooms. Removal and spot-dusting are key here, seriously. Arrange thrown pillows, make FloJo cry.

-10. 20 minutes away from some measure of serenity. Vacuum all carpeted areas. Period.

(Rotate until clothes are all dry and fold later if you can, but this ought to be a no-brainer.)

There. It may not be Buckingham Palace but it's a hell of a lot cleaner than it was, and you only spent an hour doing it. Put your liner back in the shower, and treat yourself to whatever frou-frou products blow your hair back. You earned it.

I might have to allot a few more 20's, since we're mid-remodel, plus eBay invasions, bills who have learned to speak, dust that has learned to breed and sneer, a back porch that will forever be the bane of my OCD existence. I bought matching million gallon totes for all Todd's special gardening, BBQ-ing, what-have-you-ing tools, and so those went in nicely, and fuck me if the next week, more things weren't stacked ON TOP of the bins! What??? Ugh, I'll be kicking some serious ass. And so have you. Let me know how it goes.


  1. ROFL!
    First off, clean van is old news and with four children and two road trips under our belts it's no long clean. :-(
    Fragile? . . . No doubt about it!
    Second off, my house only SOUNDS clean because I only share the GOOD stuff I do, not the stuff that doesn't work out, of simply is STILL not done.
    For what it's worth though Chey (and everyone), when I find the time to sneak on here, I love to read everyone's accomplishments and goals. It's a great motivator.
    So far today I have,
    -vacuumed upstairs
    -cleaned the kitchen and dining room
    -folded one load of laundry and rotated the rest
    Well, time to get back at it. My four babies are bound to be hounding me for food any minute!

  2. please know that I am on my 3rd 20 because of you. consider yourself a rockstar.

  3. Dawna--Bows.

    Joy--You can tell me tomorrow. You can make me a label.

  4. Post a photo of the owls you made for Debe, and have gotten such rave reviews about. Including from the woman who owns a gallery.

    your readers will all want to see it.


    Love Mom

  5. Mom--

    A) This is a cleaning blog. Plus if I were going to brag about someone's art, it would be the unfinished painting you sold your surgeon (based upon a cell phone pic!) for $800.00. That makes my owls cry. Or, I'll post yours (on Brilliant Monster) if you post mine. Congratulations. It was an amazing experience. I'm really proud of you.