Saturday, May 15, 2010
Sciatica Saturday Semi-Sabbatical
Alliteration anyone? It certainly won't clean your grout, but hopefully it will amuse you into forgiving me for being such a deadbeat with this blog of late. Excuses excuses, it fell off the back burner and into the oven, and we all know how often I venture in there... (Slightly less frequently than never.) So between remodels, travel, getting ready for a garage sale, weeding out the eyesores and reminding people that we are not a storage unit, my typical routine has gone through a dizzy spell. Hold onto your hat Kasondra, we're not down for the count, I just really need like one normal thing to stand up and remind me of my mission each week, hence my grasp on manic Saturdays.
The good and motherfucking bad news is that this year's random surgery (since 2006!) has been revealed, and it's the OCD antichrist. As if my pre-op limitations weren't suck enough, post-op I'm going to have to gouge my eyes out and remember past squalor I've survived, take my Oxycontin, and let Chelsea Handler take care of the rest. Don't get me wrong, no one has the healing powers of Jane Austen, my true literary love, but don't get me even more wrong, I can scarcely function on painkillers and Chelsea is smooth sailing. Will be unable to bend, like, at all, which is so amazing I could practically have an orgasm, so this is taking a huge pair of fabric scissors to my cleaning circuit.
I've been priming the kids to perfect some of the lower-reaching tasks, like rotating laundry and schlepping it to where I am, loading the dishwasher, wiping down all the cords and power strips that are so commonly forgotten. But they're a bit short (even Quinn at 5'8") to make beds to my liking. (Scream!) And no one scours a bathtub like I do. So, I've got some major improvising and/or radical accepting do beforehand.
Today, I am being guilted into garage saling, which I happen to love, it's just totally counter-intuitive when prepping to peddle our own shit (er, TREASURES!) in a couple weeks. But I did score a large Revere Ware pan at an estate sale a couple weeks ago for $4.00, which is exciting because the one we have is always in the goddamned dishwasher, which Todd loads like some zen master and I get impatient. No, I don't cook, but I mean, I make rice, so there's that.
Have you gotten this far? Seeing how refusing doctor's orders only punishes me, which only took one million times to learn, I am restricting my workload, but I'm pissed.
Today I have:
-Taken all the wet laundry out and out it in a basket, and reloaded washer (minimal bending!).
-Swept the kitchen with perfect posture, ditto Swiffer.
-Washed all the windows that require stretching up, and delegated lower glass to the kids, as well as emptying the wastebaskets.
-Dusted ceilings, fans, light fixtures, trim, everything at waste level.
-Rounded up kids' cra--goodies on the counter and wiped around them. I try to give them some slack on the weekends, so I only ask them to do the things that will make me crazy if left unattended (read: everything).
YET TO DO BEFORE IT'S TIME TO RUMMAGE THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE'S CAST-OFFS:
-Put 37465 things of B&B antibacterial gel in my purse.
-Pick paint for the kitchen, God I'm sick of looking at it.
-Wipe the top of the refrigerator, clear off the squatters (cereal, candles, wipes) who stubbornly make their way back to this surface, which should always remain clear.
-Pay Quinn extra to clean the toilets, which he's surprisingly good-natured about. That's why he has $302.00 and I have $16.00.
-Pay Reilly to do the sinks.
-Stand and fold all the laundry using the back of the couch.
-Water Todd's garden in exchange for stripping/making all beds. Sucka!
-Sweep back porch.
-Put my clothes away, re-hang wet ones. By the way, after the insurance company's settlement, and we had to buy new clothes, I have 52 camis and tank tops. OMG. I will never wear these in a lifetime, but they were SO cute and cheap and I can't even see the ones on the bottom rows with tags on, I'm disgusting.
-Cart the catch-all, garage sale-bound shit off the dryer and into the garage, which is so organized it's like a ... an eclectic hobo with good taste's paradise.
I think that's all I can squeeze in by 8:00am, showtime. Ready to touch everything that has already been touched by everyone in Salem. Hoo-rah. I really just need a print for the kitchen, and one for above my bed. Wish me well.
AS FOR YOU, SATURDAY SLACKERS:
-Get your laundry going immediately, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.00. Coffee or no coffee, do it.
-It's the time of reckoning with your dishes. Unload, re-load, enlist kids, stack remainders to the left, wipe down kitchen, you can never be too thorough! Cracks, cupboard faces, the oven drawer, the refrigerator grill, the garbage can, get jiggy wit those wipes!
-Toss all mats into the wash. This will ensure that you vacuum, and feel so good lying them all back down.
-Ajax commitment in the bathrooms? Don't forget to leave one toilet operational, as Murphy's Law guarantees that everyone will have to go the entire time you're cleaning.
-Make every movement useful. While you have your coffee, consolidate lists, freshen up bulletin boards, swipe table surfaces, stack things aesthetically.
-You will have already picked up errant garments of clothing because you are a good Moxling.
-Anyone feeling window-ish?
-I know, you'll all be out digging in your gardens. Except Mesina, who has the courtesy to live in London. Wait, courtesy? You bitch, bring me my baby!
-LINT ROLLER DERBY!!! This is, as Reilly says, "really satisfying." When she rolls the couches, ottomans, blinds, mats, etc., I forget we have Bella for 2.5 seconds.
-Hang up all your clothes. Ditto kids' clothes. Time to give anything away?
-Wipe your trim and baseboards, and take your duster/rag to all immediately visible areas.
BONUS CHALLENGE: Clean out your refrigerator! Oooohhhh, this is amazing.
Some miscellaneous areas to ponder: Closets, tops of things, like refrigerators serving as desks, bathroom cupboards, board games/puzzles, rearrange furniture (hooray!), and as always, caddies make life worth living!
Good luck, I look forward to pictures/excuses/flowers, lol.