Saturday, May 22, 2010

Speedy Gonzales Got Nothin' on This Saturday!

Holy shit.

Why do I continue to believe that the rate at which I live and operate are unique to each isolated week? I always think next week will slow down, and that for one thing, I will outline some sort of schedule for this blog so that Kasondra, a Texan, doesn't have me tried and convicted for breach of contract and executed. Also, it would be great to finish at least three of the books I'm reading, so that I can take them out of my purse. (!!!) This counts as cleaning, especially since two are textbooks. Psychology, for those who actually know what the fuck it is, is really heavy and breaking my shoulder.

Also, when facing certain physical limitations that make one's OCD say "whaaaat?" it is best, since quitting is not an option, to just go really really fast. I can now clean the house, between Friday and Saturday, since Saturdays are crazy busy, in two hours.

Please note the play list I've added to the blog, for your convenience and MOTIVATION! Feel free to send suggestions and/or to dance while you clean.

Yesterday, picture a person not unlike a telephone pole:

-Doing seven loads of laundry, including all mats, sheets, and omg omg omg all the skinny jeans in the house, lest someone be stricken with baggy-osis.

-Folding and put away said laundry.

-CLEANING THE ENTIRE KITCHEN! This meant stripping the refrigerator naked (putting kid art in my mama portfolio), pitching the goddamned coupons that just curl up and sway and expire no matter what, pulling the whole thing out and discovering the sobering reality that I too had dust behind there. Definitely the wrong side of the tracks of my house. I also used my Sonic Scrubber to bleach every single line in the linoleum floor, all the baseboards, the cracks in the dishwasher, stove, the refrigerator grill, the garbage can, and all while the sinks were bleaching. Ohhh mannn. This is all to say nothing of the typical clearing and wiping of surfaces, and putting the insidious invaders (syrup, candles, and a cantaloupe (?)) into a blessed wire caddy, which makes wiping the top so much easier, which I also did.

-Hanging my high-maintenance bath mats wherever.

-Sweeping/mopping the entire laundry room, and wiping down the washer and dryer.

-Disinfecting the door knobs. Mustn't forget the little things.

-Dusting both computers.

-Scrubbing all bathroom sinks/scrubbing toilets/polishing chrome.

-And still having time to fold a friend's laundry, telling her her husband's khaki shorts were women's, and making it to dinner with the Friday crew, plus unexpected and awesome diversions from K, the original prankster.

-Getting returns/exchanges ready for today, when...

(I almost don't want to tell you.) Old Navy is selling all flip flops for $1.00, and opening at 7:00am. They're only 2/$5.00 anyway, but this is really novel for some reason, and I promised Reilly. Plus someone just turned me onto Pina Colada Juliuses, and am I all over that. I am also getting my box spring replaced, exchanging some tights, scouring the PNW for those pajama bottoms, get Quinn to I's or R's, get Reilly tennis shoes (go Todd!), and ready for her splicing/editing marathon (I'm sooo grateful when other people teach them things like this.) Plus I have to re-make my bed after the men man-handle it, and finish like 337 chapters before my own evening ensues. Oy. Relief thy name is Darvocet.

This tangential prelude, for which I will not apologize because you're reading it of your own volition, is to explain the abbreviated list of goals for today. Apparently Saturdays have become pretty limber, thank God.

Starting pre-Old Navy madness (watch out ladies, Reilly will kick ass to get her red flip flops, to go with her yellow, purple, light purple, blue, periwinkle, and green ones, and I might just lay you out for no reason because I'm a sociopath like that. [Omg motherfucking ignorant bored bitches will say anything, when they need to be cleaning their slop huts!]) I must:

-Set the fans to expedite the drying of the stubborn bath mats.

-Ajax tub/scrub while showering. (I scrubbed all 4,000 tiers of the tension rod the other day while I was 35 minutes late for a date at Melanie's.)

-Throw away all the candles Reilly has amassed, possibly light them and have an ironic ceremony.

-Lint roll the area rug in my room with the floor-length model Quinn got me for christmas.

-Put all my clothes away.

-Windex exterior windows.

-Spend 20 minutes in the kids' room, where there is suddenly a much-needed DOLLHOUSE?!?!?! Curses grandparents!!!

-Clean dining room table and bring in extra chairs for dinner, which I'm hoping is less than three days late.

-Straighten dual vanity, wipe down.

-Check waste baskets.

-Sweep back porch as we speed to Starbucks and get ready to rumble for our footwear!

What can you make of this madness? People keep saying pictures, and I keep saying "Go to hell," but if it will help, I will think of something.

Meanwhile, do what you can. Remember that clean surfaces are fast and soothing, that if you have to pause, throw it away, make every movement count, you can wipe the counter down while you use the bathroom (yep), that there are lots of shortcuts, and that a little bit at a time goes a long way. And yes, I will still come do it, lol. I think some green-loving shit even made its way into my emergency bag in the car.

You're getting there. Loving the pictures, and I have not forgotten K, ~M~ , or Dumbass, who actually thinks video will inspire. I never forget, I'm just rarely on line and convince myself that the longer I go ignoring it, the more it will simmer down. So far es no bueno.

Andale andale!


  1. You are a freak

  2. OK, First of all you are funny as shit. The way you capture the coupons, clipped but never used pre-expiration and the stubborn bath mats.

    Love the play list and so does my daughter.

    I have been waiting for the proper moment to show and tell:

    A few posts ago you put together a bedroom in a day. I then said I would paint my living room which is 1.5 years past due. Done. It is lime green and my mood is already elevated. (OK, still have a corner of the living room to do but almost done.)

    This Wednesday I cleaned the inside of my fridge feeling bad for saying it could suck it last week.

    I also applied harsh toxic chemicals to my stove top throughout the day and returned it to white. $12 bought me four new burner pans and I couldn't be more proud.

    Thanks moxieclean. You make this world a better place. :-)

  3. Oooh, who is this? Crazy Carmela? Probably, since you have nothing better to do than sit around all day stalking Cheyenne, then accuse her of doing the same. If she's such a freak, GET THE FUCK OFF HER BLOG. Get a life. You are truly patheic, it has been determined.

    -Ms. Verbose

  4. Oh ya, I forgot to mention that I cleared up a ton of space in my garage by getting rid of a king sized bed!!

  5. Anonymous--Why don't you identify yourself or shut your goddamned whoretrap? Better yet, come and share your thoughts with me, and leave my blogs alone. This forum is for helping people feel motivated to clean, not your personal stage to show what a wretched coward you are, kthanks.

  6. Dana--You da boss. But is being "funny as shit" like being "as pretty as garbage" or something, lol? You're so insane--it's those conservative cells! I'm so glad you and Caitlin lie the music, I had to do something to spice things up.

    Also, it's always the proper time for show and tell here. I cannot BELIEVE you got the living room painted, obviously you need to secure it with friends and a lot of anything but red wine. I am soaring over your clean refrigerator, and the guilt you felt uttering such indifference about cleanliness. But what about the windows?

    Scouring + new drip pans = kitchen orgasm.

    I may just make my way up that hill pretty soon, I just need to find my rappelling gear.

    As for the bed, lady, I believe I'm the fairy godmother in that little miracle. But your generosity is amazing. (I won't tell Melanie it came from a soon-to-be-reformed Republican, shhh...)

    You get an A+ fo shizz. Going to hunt down my carabiners...

  7. Debe hush! Don't you know that uttering her name can lead to your immediate deportation to Oakland, whence you and your dangerous tattoos came? That's right, she's the self-appointed dictator of Salem, and she'll burn her keyboard off threatening you with myriad orders of every kind, after calling the police to report you sitting in front of her house, while you're out of town. (OMG hearing that officer call her crazy was amazing!) She will also tell you what you are thinking and things you said before you were born, and she will refer to her much-used "dozen witnesses." So be careful, else it gets the hose again.

    Besides, it could just as easily be Megan, Minion #1, who sits at on her couch all fucking day scouring cyberspace in her reptilian anonymity, too pussy to use her name, like the rest of them. She'll do anything for the queen of darkness, and "You are a freak" is about in line with her intelligence level.

    Or Bethany, whom we know has a penchant for the word "Freak," and is a soulless bitch. (Makes you wonder what the hell he calls her!)

    Don't count out Brandy though, she would certainly liken working for a clean house to being a freak, though her "Anonymous" comments usually show up on Brilliant Monster, and are typically nastier and aimed at my children.

    And Pam thinks much too highly of herself to restrict her comments to four words. This is true of Brandy as well.

    Hmmm...yeah I'm going to go with Carmela on this too. These douche lords are an especially rotten lot, considering that while one woman gains fame and carte blanche because she loses her baby, you get blacklisted from the community when you lose yours.

    Obviously Homeland Security will be landing on my roof in two seconds, because she is that important, and only her kaleidoscope-mixed-with-evil truth counts because she has commandeered MAMAREV (Oooohhh!).

    Whatever, fuck them all, let them congratulate each other on being above us from their abhorrent squalor.

    This is a cleaning blog you urchins, I dare one of you to come and make these comments to my face.

    Now get the fuck off.


  8. I am bored I am bored new to town..... Lisa