Saturday, September 11, 2010

Saturday Spotlight: 500 Things

My dearest Dana and I have an inside understanding (dysfunction) known as "500 things." These things are very real, very individual, and very much inspire us to do anything else. And I mean anything. Now these things are non-negotiable, such as: Register the kids for school, and Dana has been known to have a yard sale or lay a patio instead.

We all procrastinate. In my experience, the number one victim of neglect amongst my peers is ...wait for it... cleaning. Surprised? Me neither.

You all know I can clean all day long. In fact it's usually stopping that creates a problem, but no matter the satisfaction I derive from sparkling digs, the "500 things" are always looming. I operate in myriad modes. By rote, Post-Its, Post-Its on Post-Its, lists on beautiful paper with retro birds, napkins, my hand, and then the things that need no writing, such as break down the refrigerator box on the porch which prevents both entrance as well as exit. I will dodge all of these as long as possible, and in the interest of solidarity with Dana, and relating to my mamas who feel bad for avoiding cleaning like H1N1, I decided to post my Master List, the most urgent tasks, those which are virtually unrecognizable (and inaudible) under the dust.

Even Reilly has her own delay tactics. (Like mama like baby.)

The following drudgery originates from my "Massive OMG To Do List!" And I've listed the corresponding chores into whose comforting bosom I fled in order to deny them.

-Go to the bank = Clean some else's five story all wood house.

-Shop for a 13 year old's birthday gift for Reilly = Sort and toss ALL of our candles.

-Paint dresser = Scrub 17 (not kidding) shampoo/conditioner bottles, tension rod, etc.

-Call Chemeketa = Climb onto the refrigerator to kick some dust ass and align caddies.

-Call insurance company = Lose my list inside a magazine.

-Put the KROC Center key fab thing on my key chain = Gut our entire school inventory.

-Arrange portraits for the kids = Wash and bleach all waste baskets in the world.

-Call three different friends to get kids together = Getting rid of SO MANY CLOTHES.

-Call anyone = Have a garage sale.

-Call in two refills = Have another garage sale.

-Shop for knobs = Get Reilly's hair cut.

-Return sheets = Get Quinn's hair cut.

-Learn photoshop = Scrub the kitchen floor with bleach on my hands and knees.

-Make the one phone call that will land $2,000 in my hands = Rearrange laundry room.

-Send my new phone in for a new phone = Drink six gallons of bleach.

-Literally, look in my DVD folder for Howard's End (two seconds) = Helping others go through old clothes and delivering bags of hand-me-downs to others, even douche bags, just don't ask me to touch the folder.

I have practical freeze and cleaning default.

Dana and I are curious as to the absurd lengths y'all go to to avoid ________________.

Share and share alike.


  1. JAhahaha! I LOVE you climbing up the fridge lol for real! Mother of God you have a gift, but you know that.

    Put this to music , great video! Oh it is put to music but not the right one imo "ja

    Oh excited about photoshop then you can teach me a little,

    but what this "and relating to my mamas who feel bad for avoiding cleaning like H1N1,"

    last i checked, I am your only Mama, and would have let it go as a typo, but you used the plural verb? wtf

    LOVE YOU wonderful post. and rest assured I have 500 things too, one of which seems to be finishing my favorite movie my sister sent me. But it's on that other list...the one where something is so wonderful, you don't want it to come to the end.

  2. Do Dishes = Read Moxie


    And you should totally learn Photoshop. The basics are not hard and it's really fun!

    I'll be back eventually with a real comment...

  3. I will go to extreim lengths to avoid cleaning. And making dinner. Sad and true.

    PS you rock my world woman.

  4. I will put off vacuuming, bathrooms, laundry and sweeping for days and days and days with cooking, canning, retail therapy as you call it, any miscellaneous project that tickles my fancy or just plain sitting on my ass.

    Then I will go buy skinny jeans for my son and have to come up with more delay tactics since getting my sewing machine fixed so I can hem them is too daunting. To procrastinate getting the machine fixed I'll start a little drama by telling people they ruined my life by suggesting I need a different style of shirt to go with the jeans and I won't tell them I'm totally joking. The reconciliation will take time and I will still not have to look into the sewing machine issue. :-)

    Honestly, I'm just glad you have a list of 500 things too. I just work on a whim. I need more whims!

    P.S. Last week I made quite the deal with my husband to get him to get new tags on the car which has been expired for three months now. I really just need to get wealthy so I can hire a made.

  5. Mom--You must really love that movie to think climbing the refrigerator is a gift, and that it should be set to music. Stay tuned to see me rappel off of it! But yeah I was probably supposed to be registering, blah.

    I will expose some of your diversions: Reading, romantic comedies, horrifying, stark documentaries,, Old Navy returns, Los Dos Amigos, Scrabble, and your STUPID YOGA! Yes you've lost a ton of weight but you didn't vacuum yesterday so there.

    And I refer to my core readers as "mine," so it wasn't a sudden nod to my tribe of mothers, you're stuck with me.

    Kasondra--Alexander = schedule. It's win-win.

    Joy--I rock your world so I don't have to look at my list! I feel like if I clean enough I'll be infused with tranquility and be inspired to call 1-800-blah blah blah and shit, but instead the house is clean and the pile of papers is like a grand column in the kitchen.

    Dana--I knew that bullshit was a ruse to delay the hemming! You are a genius lady, that was the ultimate detour. Nevermind that I almost died, lol. I'll burn someone's kitchen down to avoid the sewing machine. You could have broadcast my life-ruining ways down here and you'd have been the Darling of the Douche Bags hahaha! Then when you admitted it was a joke they wouldn't even care (souls needs not apply). You are the most like me with the 500, the most like me in random whims, and the most like me in midnight plan-tastrophes. But I don't cook or camp. We need to get together and have our Weekend 500 Challenge, so we can actually do some of these things, but disguise it as wine-soaked fun. Like 1-800-a-thons and new Sharpies to inspire us.

    Oh, rugby shirts don't go with skinny jeans. Mwahahaha! <3

    P.S. I absolutely cannot imagine Jason driving with expired tags.